Like a Country Song

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I think of him more often than I like to admit, to anyone. That’s why I don’t tell anyone. I’ll wake up with him fresh in my mind and I’ll close my eyes again to look at him longer. In a short time and with a few words he had me spellbound. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing, he seemed like he did. When he smiled my heart melted and I wanted to touch him, hearing his voice when he sang to me was wonderful. Tickling my ears, soothing my mind and forcing a spontaneous smile.

I tried so hard not to take him seriously. It was too hard and I did, even though I really did know better. I know as it wound down that I would have ended it, there was too much about him that didn’t mesh with me, but oh the things that did. I suppose there are times when great things can only happen for a short time. I hope to find another that shares that spark with me. There was electricity between us and we both knew it. Now that I know how that feels, everything else will pale by comparison. I’ve deleted all but two of his photos from everything, and I can’t bear to get rid of those just yet, though I am only torturing myself when I come across them.

He looked like my favorite actor when he smiled his crooked smile but it worked on his face. I’m gonna put his memory down for a while, try to cover it up with whiskey as I do at times.

Sand In My Toes

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I look at this image and my mind jumps to possibilities of what’s beyond that fog. My daydreams take hold….

The Stairs

I think of a beautiful beach with blue gray water, and a storm off in the distance complete with lightning and dark ominous clouds. Closer to me are seagulls picking at the waves as they fly along the surface of the water. It’s serene, peaceful and wholesome. My mind can be quiet in this place and I can observe what is before me without distraction of thought.

When I allow my mind to finally wander, I think of times past in this place, times I want to spend in the future in this place, and that maybe – just maybe…this is where I belong. I imagine waking up with my tiny shack windows open, letting in the scent of the salt water and the beach, it’s invigorating. The bit of sound of the city that can be heard over the ocean is muffled, and sounds far away.

In my mind I walk down these steps and into that fog and onto the beach, barefoot, I feel the sand beneath my toes and remember a time when that felt strange, and I worried about tracking dirt around my little shack. I chuckle at myself as I meander down the beach closer to the water, so that I can walk in the waves..there’s nothing quite like warm ocean water on your toes first thing in the morning. Makes coffee seem like a sad way to awaken the mind. Walking until my legs no longer feel sleepy and my mind is moving quickly, I turn back to go back to my little cabin to get some work done.

Tracking dirt into my little shack I sit at my desk and power up my computer for work. My daily work attire is now a tank top and shorts, I rarely wear shoes, only for driving any more and those are flip flops. Losing myself for several hours in the stimulating world that pays me to live this dream, I create and check off several to do lists for several projects. Just over five hours later I’m finished for the day and can return to the serenity that is this place. I have found my home…and this beach, this sand in my toes, this is the purest I have ever felt.

“And so I’ll burn my foolish books and break my futile pen,
And seek a tranced and tranquil isle, that dreams eternally.
I’ll turn my back on all the world, I’ll bid my friends adieu;
Unto the blink I’ll leave behind what gold I have to give;
And in a jewelled solitude I’ll mould my life anew,
And nestling close to Nature’s heart, I’ll learn at last . . . to live.”

from Beachcomber by Robert William Service

The Name

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I have to confess something only people close to me know. I reject labels and I’ve always felt that admitting this would subject me to labeling, but I know I’m not the only one that has this issue.

Large crowds in small places, I have a low tolerance for them. I will go, and be part of the party of its important to people I care about, but I tend to pop in for the important stuff and make my exits after a couple hours or until I notice my irritation getting out of control..let’s be honest, it’s no one’s problem but mine.

I went to a wedding tonight that was beautiful and well worth going to, the brides looked amazing and are very much in love with each other, it was very beautiful. Once the ceremony and toasts were over, everyone started heading to the back yard for swimming and shenanigans, but there were LOTS of people there. So I hugged the brides and my friends and headed out. I sat in my car for a few minutes, feeling bad that this is an issue and I can’t control it. I’m an adult, I should be able to…right?

I beat myself up about these things, I feel stupid and out of control that this phobia or whatever it is gets the better of me, feeling out of control is a feeling I despise. That feeling is why I’ve never tried or been interested in narcotics or anything that can get ahold of me quickly.  Addiction is a family trait, and I don’t want it to get me.

To be honest, I know what this is, it’s social anxiety. It has a name, but that’s no comfort to me.

Are You Still Reaching?

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Can you look at yourself in the mirror? Or, better question, when was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? Are you in that place where you look at it if you’re doing something, like putting on makeup, but never just to look at yourself?

I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in that place where my favorite movie was about a divorced woman with a pre-teen kid, who’s ex cheated on her with her best friend and to boot, is a complete ass. Why? Because I identified with that. I could almost feel her pain, depression and anger. I could feel it, it was mine, and it helped me to know that someone else felt like that too at some point. Maybe not Sandra Bullock, but the person who wrote it, misery does indeed love company, there’s a lot of truth to that.

I have a challenge for you, I undertook it about a year and a half ago and it really improved my outlook and respect for myself. The challenge is this, open the mirror on your visor in your car, point it at yourself so if you look up, you make eye contact with yourself. Now, look at that everyday for at least ten seconds, while stopped, not while driving! Do this for 30 days, I ended up doing it for 60 – I felt like I needed a little longer at it, I was in a pretty low place then. Now, look at what you see there, it’s likely a few really sad things that you read in your eyes, but an interesting thing will happen – after a few days you’ll start seeing good things, that your eyes are kind, you have smile lines that brighten your expression, your eyebrows are always on fleek…. Go ahead and smile at yourself too if you feel like it – you’re gorgeous! You’ve made it this far intact, who knows what else you can do!

The thing you want to gain from this is the absolute belief that you can accomplish the goals that you have, the dreams you dare to dream. There are better things to be had still. You can do anything you set your mind to, you just have to research the path that will work for you and then set out on it. So, my dear readers, ARE YOU STILL REACHING?

This post was originally written on February 20, 2008, and I am currently going through the archives of MouthyGirl’s pages and updating many, fixing links, and revamping some of my posts like this one.