Held Back

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I’ve left no words unspoken
My once cold heart is open
Fully; and
Perhaps for the first time.
I have held you; and at once
Knew that I need you
I have loved you; and fell
I don’t just want you
I want you to come back; and
Never leave again
You took a part of me with you
I reach for you in my dreams
Look for you upon waking
Each of these days seem
Hard for the taking; and
I’ve risked it all
For you; and it’s the first time
I have not held back.


The Fad

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I can’t always express myself eloquently. Maybe it’s a lazy brain issue or a lack of a desire to always find the fancier words, I’m not really sure. But I know that there are things that I feel passionately about that I have spent time reading about, researching, thinking about, etc. but that I can no longer explain to others as if I just made my decision. So sometimes, when I’d like to elaborate on my views about things, I just don’t. That stems from two things, the one I just mentioned, I can’t remember all the details that helped me arrive at my decision; and also, I feel I’ve reached an age where I no longer have to defend my views on anything, much less explain myself.

That’s not to say I’m not open to discussion about things of all nature, I rather like discussion and appreciate others’ views immensely. My problem is when the other party in the discussion goes into persuasion mode and they maybe don’t realize that just because I don’t oppose their opinion doesn’t mean that I will follow them to their side of thinking. I might even be openly/vehemently resistant sometimes and not care to explain why…because again – I’m past that in life. I don’t need other people to agree with my views for me to have them. They are mine.

This isn’t often a situation in my life, so don’t get me wrong, my daily life is pleasant – problems tend to be of my own creation and I lead a fairly simple existence. Occasionally though, someone comes into my orbit that’s uber passionate and wants everyone to jump on their bandwagon. I’m not a bandwagon kind of girl – besides those wagons get too full anyhow. But we’ve all seen these people in action, maybe you’re the one that gets taken in and enraptured by this; maybe you’re the one in your own world paying no attention. Me? I’m the one that’s on the outskirts of the throng of people listening, observing and watching the reactions of the others around.

It’s an interesting thing to watch. I believe there are a few types of people generally, there are always variations and strengths and weaknesses but fundamentally – I believe there are only a few. Maybe this is why psychology was so attractive to me at one time, I find it intriguing the way that the mind works and the chemicals in us that make each individual mind work so very differently from another – but yet somehow, the same.

You’ve got the Leaders, these aren’t usually the ones on a bandwagon trying to get you up there with them – those are the Alphas of the Leaders. The Leaders among leaders (or the positively insane, your choice) are those who will explain their truths like they are common sense, and worse, others not of similar mindset might feel left out of this magic, this way of life this leader enjoys.

Then you have the Free Thinkers, who make up their own minds after input from various sources, these are the individuals that might provide a captive audience but won’t necessarily pick up what the Leaders try to put down.

Then you have the Followers. They might resist the notion at first, so as not to appear openly as followers, but eventually – if the Alpha Leader is persuasive enough…there they go.

To that end, I think I’m an Alpha Free Thinker. If I’m passionate enough about the subject, I’ll throw in and discuss it, and that can be a lot of fun. If it’s a discussion with a smart, respectful person who can debate without hate, then it’s a fun time.

Have you ever found yourself on the receiving end of an unexpected pitch? Like hanging out with friends for karaoke and someone joins the group and wants to sell Avon or something?

LOL – am I the only one this happens to?


To Be Free

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To Be Free

I like to think in all of us lies a wandering spirit. A part of us that wants to soar high above everything and everyone and observe the world as we know it, from far above where nothing and no one can touch us. My spirit has a wanderlust that wants to see things I will never see, I might be able to make the time and create the resources to see all that I want to now, but I know that the more I see, the more I will want to see of this world, the need will never be satiated. Through my own choices I have anchored myself to one place, one plane of existence where there are expectations, and people that need me. This can be a depressing knowledge if you let it.

One of my oldest friends went West, exploring, after we both graduated high school and when I was able to reconnect with her, she had landed out West for a spell – I remember being jealous of her freedom and her daring. What a wonderful thing to hit the road and just GO! My oldest cousin had a similar freedom during youth and wandered across the country, hitchhiking even! Every time I hear these stories of wandering to parts unknown with no resources, just going and letting life happen, I am awed.

It was this type of inspiration that led me to Colorado, the biggest question was, “Why not?” and I had no definitive answer, so we went! And it WAS freeing. To leave everyone behind, was an incredible feeling that I crave feeling again. You might be concerned I’ll become a risk taking junkie – but no. I have a deep sense of responsibility to life and know that I will never risk things that would endanger anyone other than me. When I look at the freedom of this flight pictured above, the beauty that surrounds and the intonation of peace…my mind wanders to lazy days and relaxing surroundings, that I will experience. The only question is WHEN?


Move Along

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When I was young, until middle school, our family moved around a lot. It was just sort of part of life, it always took me a while to make new friends, but I inevitably did. I thought everyone did that until I was in middle school. As an adult, I too have been somewhat nomadic – not between great distances but every few years, my scenery has to change, even if it’s just the arrangement of walls.

I’ve been contemplating such a move for quite some time, I also didn’t much like my apartment. Tuesday morning, I was rudely awakened at 4 a.m. to what I’m pretty sure were gunshots. Pretty damn close to my place. I sat up for an hour locked and loaded, ready to defend my home. Having lost sleep again (yes, again) over such a scary incidence, and being exhausted, Wednesday I looked at a new place, and yesterday pulled the trigger and got it. The manchild, I and a few friends moved most of my stuff in last night after I got off work. I’m glad nothing happened that night in my apartment, I’m glad nothing has ever happened aside from deceptive trade practices by overeager towing companies. Nevertheless, it was extreme motivation, and I took action.

I believe change to be the only constant in life, I also know that we ALL get complacent sometimes, I believe I was there. So, complacency no more! Change is stimulating, exciting and inspiring. Much like when I thought about moving to Colorado and was gone within a few days – in my later years I’ve become impulsive and quick to make decisions for fear I would talk myself out of them. “Let cooler heads prevail” is a boring way to live all the time. It’s a nice place to visit, but I like impulse, I like action, I like to make big changes for the better that inspire me to do more. I didn’t commit very long to it, not like in the past where I commit a year. My station in life is changing, my son is almost a consenting adult, the world is open in ways it hasn’t been before..I look forward to all the things tomorrow and the days after will bring. My past few years, while plagued by turmoil intermittently, have been some of the best of my life. You can read about my past seven years here in the Archives of MouthyGirl.

Even during hard times, I’m happy about my life, and where I am with it, who I have in it, and who I can count on. There’s even a sort of serious thing brewing that I haven’t shared with y’all yet.

Maybe next time:)