Today I must go and spend time with someone I would rather not. My mom. It seems like an absurd statement, sure. I wish it wasn’t like this for me. I wish I didn’t have hard feelings and I wish like so many other things I could forget these things too. But for some reason I can’t let it go. Some may say that it’s because I haven’t healed, and that may be so. Every day I feel sad for a moment that life as I recall it is so bleak. My life did not become enjoyable until I left home. Times with Grandma and when I visited my Dad I don’t have hard feelings about.
I wish I could make peace with it as easily as I could say it. But I get around my mom and she starts with her fakeness, her nasty nice and expectations. She even manages to attempt to make me feel guilty for feeling no obligation to have a relationship. She tries too hard to identify with me, when she simply cannot. The main thing that we don’t have in common is a reliance upon other people. I do not rely on anyone else but myself, and my Jason. My mother still has parental support, yes financial. It sickens me, I can’t celebrate. I’ve spent most of my life looking up to the very person still paying my mother’s bills. My grandmother has been key in my development, her influence in my life shows itself to me everyday. Sure I’m a bit more wild. Okay, a lot more wild. BUT, the foundation of honesty, integrity and taking care of my responsibilities is still there. The relentless need to work and get ahead, well, try to get ahead…
I look at her and I see disappointment, hurt and feel a lot of anger. I remember the day that I left home all over again. It’s almost like being 17 again when I’m around her. I feel no respect, love or appreciation, just a hard heart and hurt feelings. She’s apologized in her not so sincere way, expecting all to be forgiven and she continue with her craziness. I just can’t pretend.
So Happy Birthday Mom, this is my way of saying that I wish I had something to celebrate, and I’m glad that you feel you do.