Think Like a Loser

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Sometimes I get in a phase in life where I think everything is good, life is great and I don’t think about where I came from and what I came from and I can see great things in the future.

Inevitably, I open my mouth, I leave out a detail or I forget about something important – completely by accident and throw myself right back into the fire pits of the past. The hell that makes me think the wrong way and expect the worst of everyone. The reminder of an upbringing nowhere near normal.

What I’m saying is, the child ain’t right. The child being me. So many of you grew up with mothers that loved you, that you could run to and feel safe. What a feeling that must be, one that I cannot imagine on my best day. I have to mimic others to appear normal, I’ve developed this as quite a skill, tho I carry a doubt within me that prevails and gets stronger every time I stumble. A growing boil within my insides that swallows up confidence and reminds me that my roots are never far behind me – that it wouldn’t take much to be back there.

I say I don’t dream because I like to forget them – and I certainly try not to commit them to memory but the recurring ones are the worst, they force me to remember. Where she is screaming and laughing at me and telling me she was right all along. That I really am stupid and reminding me of the foolishness of dreams.

She haunts me. Yesterday I opened my mouth and inserted my foot, up to the damned knee. I won’t go in to detail but the scary thing is that this is happening more and more lately. I find myself challenging the people that mean the most to me, and I can’t quite figure out where I’ve slipped and let that part of me through. Maybe I’m getting comfortable, thus getting lax? Scary thought.

A friend told me once that she’d learned in psychology that in order to “break the cycle of abuse” (such a stupid label I only use for familiarity), you have to constantly think about your actions, your temper, the way you think, constantly keeping yourself on point.

Since that time I’ve tried to do exactly that, I don’t succeed at it much and “I’m sorry” are words that roll off my tongue readily but if humility is redeeming, then I redeem myself a lot and save my own ass with it, else I don’t know how people stand me.

I’m feeling like the loser I was born to be – maybe it’s not such a bad thing, eh? I like to claim that I’m a realist…

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4 thoughts on “Think Like a Loser

  1. I have a great mother but I think everything depends on one and only one-self. Relationships is a huge, huge part of life, however, one can easily modify his/her relationships. We all have those days where we do feel pretty bad and sad, but in the end, it is only he/she that can control his/her emotions. Think different thoughts and stay positive. šŸ˜€

  2. @Jennifer we have the same issue. I am the same way tho I think sometimes that it’s more than just my reaction to bad past relationships days like these I just think I’m destined to fuck up because I don’t know what a successful relationship is made of – I try every day not to take that out on him but sometimes despite my best efforts it happens anyway.

    @Rachel – I think tomorrow will be better in terms of my attitude but my pride is badly bruised and I’m publicly licking my wounds… lo and behold when the sun comes up tomorrow it’ll be all right again. I’ll be a MouthyGirl tomorrow, today I’m just a girl who’s been bad… But I do think that breaking the cycle of the way that I was raised requires an ever present reminder to myself to watch what I’m doing/saying/projecting.

    MouthyGirls last blog post..Think Like a Loser

  3. Fortunatly for me, I have a wonderful mother.

    I do, however, understand the whole having to pay attention to your actions, your words and they way you think thing. Mine revolves around my relationships with men, though. I’ve suffered so many humiliating hurts in the past that I find myself constantly on edge and on the offensive with my boyfriend. It’s as though I expect for him to do me wrong. And so in turn, I can be bitchy, rude and accusatory towards him. Without cause most of the time. Because I am determined not to be taken for a fool again.

    And it’s just not fair to him. So I’ve gotta watch myself. And it’s freaking hard.

  4. what is a normal up bringing? My momma
    loved
    me but wasn’t very nice to me. That
    doesnt
    mean that
    I’m destined to be a loser. going through
    crap when your young only builds character.
    You are
    who you are becasue of the way you were
    brought up,
    you make the choice everyday to remember
    where you came from, you make the choice
    to face the horiion with
    new attitude or the “realist” bullshit
    tude. Suck it up Sabrina, stop feelin sorry
    for your self and your past, slam the door on the
    ugly mommyskeleton in the past. pick up your
    chin my dear and claim a piece of the
    winners pie! YOu are so not a loser! I love ya girl!~hugs~

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