There are times I’m incredibly proud of it, the knowledge I’ve gained and the exposure to a whole new world. The times that something awesome has happened, or a great mystery solved. Then there are times when all at once I feel so small and criticized and ridiculed as if I were a small child in need of lecture because I am just so stupid.
I’ve walked into a place and taught myself how to do what’s expected of me. It’s been said at times that I’m the only one who knows what’s going on there, those comments make me beam with pride at my ability to assimilate myself in almost any situation. But in the moments of criticism, there is meanness and anger that should be directed at a different situation that is beyond me and my own control. We are all the proverbial “whipping boy” in the dungeon that is that place.
I am challenged in that place in ways that I greatly enjoy, but on the same token, I am insulted in ways that I’ve never dealt with before, and faulted for mistakes that are not my own.
I find myself out chasing pavement again, knocking on doors and handing out my resume like a newspaper, down on every quarter and advertising things that someone might need. Hate to think of leaving such an exciting place, but the price is too high, I won’t sacrifice my pride and self respect so someone else can feel powerful.