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I don’t think I’m alone in this so I’m going to talk about it here. I hit these periods in my life where I spend a lot of time looking back over the past few years. Now sometimes when this happens I like what I see, what I’ve done, where I’ve been. Sometimes I am proud and pat myself on the back a little.

But sometimes I don’t like what I’ve seen and I’m disappointed in myself and my lack of progress. Don’t get me wrong…these are not regrets, just deficiencies I see in myself and in time that I spent idle when I could’ve been moving forward.

I’ve hit one of these periods recently and what triggers them I think is big changes in my life. Two years ago I did the same thing after my uncle passed, and now after my Great Aunt has passed, I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me this interest in my recent history and personal evaluation. To a certain degree I suppose I should be glad I’ve been affected profoundly enough to feel it’s time to alter the course of my life.

Several years ago, my son started having trouble in school and after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to take a break from going to school part time and be here for him in the evening to help with his homework. Though I can’t say either of us has benefited from the homework help because he’s a stubborn boy, I have enjoyed the time just being a mom that works and comes home. My house is cleaner than it used to be, most of the time.

I still feel that I’ve been idle and have left a piece of the puzzle out. I feel I’ve got unfinished business and I’m fortunate to know what it is. I have a degree to finish.

Funny thing though, what once was so clear regarding the direction I wanted to take has now become a hazy, gray area and I’m not sure what I want to do. I considered a writing/english type degree, but really what would that get me? I am a greedy one, if I’m spending the money on the education, it needs to make me some money in return.

However some of my real life experience in the working world has changed my opinion of what I desire to do with my time. I’m at an impasse.

You see I remember a time a long time ago, when I was hanging out with a friend of mine, near and dear to me now, that waxed prophetic to me one day and changed my life. She said that no matter what you do in life, Education is the one thing no one can take from you. No matter how low in life you get, if what you know got you to the top once, it can get you there again. I was in school already that’s where I met her, but I was just going to get a certificate and be on my way.

Oddly I can’t remember what certificate program I started after. It was months after we became friends that she said that to me, but it stuck with me and made me decide that a certificate program wasn’t going to cut it. I realized that it would never be enough and I was selling my son short.

And myself.

She didn’t know it then but she changed my life that day. That was the day that I began in a small way to believe in myself. And it was because she believed in me. I knew she must have or she wouldn’t have wasted her breath on me….she is not the kind of person that believes in lost causes, I knew that then and even more so now. Until that time, I didn’t know what that was like.

I re-evaluated my life shortly after that and decided major changes needed to be made that were hindering my forward movement in life. I became a single mom when my son was two and from that time on I had so much more to prove, to him and to me.

Lately I think I’ve become complacent and can’t believe for a while there I actually thought school had nothing more to teach me. I’m shocked at myself for adopting such a view. So now I’m motivated again to make something of myself, to prove that I can be somebody. I’m going to go back to school…once I figure out some sort of direction. I’m giving myself til December or January, whenever the enrollment period is for school, and I’m going back, in the Spring.

But I wondered…

Do you believe in you? Where do you see yourself in five years?



One thought on “Retrospective

  1. I certainly do believe in me… I first have to get this off my chest… oh wait I’ll go comment down there when I’m done… for petes sake.

    I do believe in me! I am freakin awesome any who… I see my self doing the hussel and bussel of a mom that works out side the home and stuggels to keep up with mount laundry. Still making time to do home work and carting kids all over Gods green earth. socking money away for a pleasent retirment… In some painfully high heels and like 4 dress sizes smaller;)

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