Who Knew?

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I haven’t spent much time thinking about what life will be like when the boy goes to college and then on to be on his own. What will I do with myself? J and I haven’t talked about it either, though I’ve kind of kept it in the back of my mind.

When I first had my son, I couldn’t imagine life in 18 years, had no capacity to dream what that future would hold. Over time I’ve developed the ability to look a few years into the future but never very far. I’m one of those people that tries to make semi long term goals, a few years at a time.

So up until recently I hadn’t really thought about life after the kid. Is there life after the kid? I’ve lived my whole life either under someone’s thumb or caring for another person, I’m not sure I’ll know how to act with no other responsibility than myself, Jason and the cats. I don’t dare imagine it, the money we’ll be saving because we can live in less space, the growing mouth we won’t be feeding. Our house will be strangely quiet of nerf gun and air soft gun noise, and loud kid movies on tv late into the night during the summers.

I’ll miss him I know. I’ll miss him terribly because all of my adult life has been spent trying to make a life for him, a home for him.

In case you hadn’t noticed I’m going through a lot of self reflection and starting to see the end of this time we have together under one roof and honestly, I’m terrified of it. It worries me that he’ll be hurt out there in the big bad world, that his feelings will be stomped on, that he’ll be ignored or pushed aside, that his future bosses won’t see his talent for his stubbornness, that his professors won’t see how smart he is because he tries to be the class clown.

I never knew that being a Mom would require so much forethought and require so much energy for worrying!

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