The Church of Google

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There is a Church of Google. Don’t believe me? Google it. I have been an informal member of the Church of Google ever since Al Gore invented the internets. Once I was able to afford a 486 computer and a dial up connection with America Online in 1996, I was fully indoctrinated in the Church of Google. Unlike God, Google gives me the answers to my questions. When I spelled something wrong, Google corrected it. Google gave me the answers to life’s many mysteries like why it’s more dangerous for dogs to eat onions than it is for them to eat their own poo.

Sometimes, Google didn’t provide the answer for free. Instead, Google would present me the website, which for a fee of only $59.99, would provide the answer to my question AND a full year membership. In my faith, I understood that Google’s wisdom sometimes came with a cost. I was merely paying my tithes. How else will the Church of Google be able to afford to provide us with Its infinite wisdom?

On Thursday, I consulted Google with my very personal and pressing problem that I knew only It would know the answer. Oh Google, what caused my car air conditioner to quit in the middle of the hottest month of the year? And would it be better to repair it or use the $4500 with the Cash for Clunkers program?


Google, in its most infinite wisdom, informed me that my car is hoopdie, not a clunker. There is a difference. A clunker is a car that gets 18 MPG or less and was made 25 years ago or less. A hoopdie is a car that is a piece of shit. A 2008 Hummer is a clunker. My 30 MPG, 6 year old car is a hoopdie. No Cash for Clunkers, I must repair it, Google said.

Anyway, Google told me that my AC problem is a very simple fix. The AC blower is located in plain view under the dash. You just unscrew it, unplug it and then do it again in reverse to install the new one. The new one would cost only $39.99 plus tax in tithes paid to AutoZone, plus the cost of a screwdriver.

Saturday morning, I confidently went to AutoZone and told him the part number for my AC blower that I need. He looked impressed that I even knew what an AC blower was and that the “1” in my VIN number meant that my car was made in the US or Canada and not the axis-of-evil Mexico. I told him simply, “I confided in Google.” He agreed with me by shaking his head sideways and said, “Okay, since you found your problem on Google, I will sell this AC blower and screwdriver to you.” Silly auto parts man, it was my tithes!!

I drove home very happy that I was doing Google’s will. Once I got home, I contorted my body underneath the dash to find the screws that were holding the old blower on. They did not exist. The old AC blower was being held on my magic, apparently. I took my car to the auto repair store, who agreed to lift the magical seal and install my new one for $80.00, plus the cost of repairing my brakes for $120. And so it was done.

Later that day, the car repairman called to let me know that there are more problems with my AC than just my blower. He basically told me that my whole AC system was broke and would cost me more money than I have to revive it. I drove home, mourning the loss of my AC.

Oh, Google why have you forsaken me??

PS: I hope you enjoyed this post, I felt like you needed a break from the politics. By the way, you can follow me on Twitter at


5 thoughts on “The Church of Google

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  4. You got scammed, never trust a mechanic, specially about things like options.
    They’ll hose yah every time.

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