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Memories are what they are..and definitely in the past. Sometimes though you have to remember that your past affects you every day. I forget that sometimes and like to believe that I’m as normal as anyone else..

But I’m not. My past haunts me like a creepy poltergeist. My memories contain images that just aren’t right. I shared some if those memories last night with J and he was left with nothing to say..and really what DO you say. I think it helps a little that those close to me to have some knowledge of it because as I said I’m not normal, educating them is only fair. 

My childhood was wierd and the one constant feeling I had as a child was one of not being wanted. I always felt as if I were a burden, if you’ve ever met me you know, I’m a very accommodating person in most cases. Those closer to me know the real me. My insecurity and oddly, my confidence come from the same place, the ability to care for myself and lack of fear of being alone is a gift and a curse because I also realize or I should say I expect – to not really be able to rely on anyone but myself.

Sometimes that’s sad and sometimes that’s empowering… depends on the day and the mood I’m in.  Ultimately, I am one of those people who doesn’t need anyone.  LOL.  Its that as funny to you as it is to me?  Bad joke I guess. 😉 

Sometimes its painful to walk down memory lane, sometimes I run to get it overwith quicker but I always go there, at least once a day and sometimes more just to remind myself. 
It’s necessary for me to go there to keep myself grounded in reality and appreciative of all that I’ve accomplished on my own.  Its also important to remember that even family sometimes will be the ones you have to let go of – but at the end of the day, miserably is no way to live. No matter what situation you may find yourself in, there is a way out, a better way, a better life, improvements that you can make to be happier.

Be happy while you can, be around people that love you and won’t hurt you and if you do get hurt, try to learn something from it.


Raising Eyebrows

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I can think of situations I’ve been in where people have been surprised at what I’ve said to them. I don’t make problems but I don’t sugar coat anything, its not my job to make other people comfy with reality.  I’ve always considered it a valuable trait, truthfully, as with anything, there is a time and a place where that’s not appropriate and to that end I am completely respectful of those boundaries. 

There have been changes in my life recently that have renewed my sense of independence and I’ve stopped censoring myself almost completely in situations that I don’t have to. Good for me, surprising to some around me. I’ve been subdued for a long time, agreeable…gasp….even likable.  That’s all over now. 😉

My point with this post is to tell you that you don’t have to be agreeable either, some of us live with the belief that we shouldn’t rock the boat, I agree, don’t rock the boat – flip the bitch!  Tell people where they stand, be honest with yourself and everyone else-it’s refreshing.  Raise eyebrows, surprise people with your honesty, deliver it kindly but with purpose, and more importantly – don’t confuse transparency with meanness.

I will warn you though, when you stop creating drama, someone else will – beware.


Grow Up, Please

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There’s a tendency in all of us I believe to doubt ourselves, discrediting our inherent ability to survive.  One thing I always told my baby sister and will tell my son as he gets older, there’s no one but you at the end of the day, rely on yourself as much as possible and only accept help when you have to from people you trust. Don’t expect someone to take care of you if you can’t, or won’t.

Self reliance is the only key to freedom that exists, being dependant on someone else should be a phase of life, and it already has a title… Childhood.  The reason it’s important to be self reliant is simple, you call the shots in your own life.  No one is able to hold you down if you know that you can make it on your own.

Women are expected to be reliant on someone and I think its fair to say that while that expectation is diminishing, it still exists for a large majority.  “The weaker sex”, we have been called, in agreement with @mommaserene I too feel that “being a man” no longer means to be strong and take care of business, it seems the meaning has mutated into a dependant, high maintenance majority of men who are not adequate to lead the home, much less carry off a successful career.

Let me make myself clear, this is a societal observation, we have a reality show about house husbands people, gimme a fucking break.  The house wife shows are just as ridiculous.  What ever happened to minding our own damn business?  What ever happened to self respect? My favorite commercial is the Geico one with R. Lee Army acting like a therapist yelling at the guy on the couch and throwing the kleenex past him. Get some damn self respect.

My point is that we have become a nation that is dependant, and addicted to that dependancy.  Example? Credit cards.  We want someone to take care of us so badly that we will manufacture a plastic caretaker that gives us what we want. 

Its time to grow up. Do what you gotta do and take care of you because at the end of the day, it’s just you in your mirror deciding if you have been the best person you could be.


Really It’s Old Now, Enough Already

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I don’t know about you but I’m tired of seeing the same people over and over in Hollywood movies.  Really, can we come up with someone else? Anyone else?  I used to love all Happy Madison productions but how many times can you listen to “you can do eeet” before you stop writing it into the script? 

Seriously, Drew Barrymore, take a hiatus, please -for me?  And Adam Sandler, hire a new casting agent. 

Also?  STOP! The remakes, THAT IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT, IT’S LAZY!  These movies lately are like Hollywood’s last Hurrah before the internet takes over or something.  I mean if you want to know why people are watching podcasts instead of tv, I can tell you – it’s because it hasn’t been done before.

Original content and faces. Please!