Learning late…

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I feel too deeply. I’ll pretend..you’ll see the tough face and I’ll even laugh it off..but in those moments alone… I sometimes want to put on boxing gloves and fight my demons physically rather than think about it.. The guilt of bringing my son with me into a failed relationship..the memories and the knowledge that I should have ended that long before I did.

It’s hard to know my son has suffered at my hand..that my example has not been what it should and that his perception of how to treat women is skewed even in the slightest by my failure when I needed to be strong.

I sometimes stare at myself in the mirror because I’ve never met a more critical gaze than my own. If looks could kill.  I’ve been wrong more than I’ve been right…and I’ve had more failures than wins.

But I’m not quitting. There will come a day…and a man who gets me and between now and then I’ll look and someday I hope that my boy will appreciate my candor with him about my failures. If he can’t learn from my successes..there are plenty of failures he can set his path to miss…


18 thoughts on “Learning late…

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  9. I agree, it’s our sense of responsibility and self accountability that keeps us on our toes and not making horrid mistakes. I will forever feel guilty for pulling my son with me through the instability my life has seen. Not to compare but I came out ok and my little childhood was, by comparison, the kind of thing people write books about now. I think he’ll be fine, but I sure hate being a negative example in any form.

    Time will tell.

  10. You always put into words what it seems can’t be. You’re so right in everything. But we all feel that way, I think. If we don’t feel we’ve failed our kids, I don’t really think we’ve done our jobs at all. Only those who feel they’ve failed ever really cared to begin with. It’s like the age-old this-hurts-me-more-than-it-hurts-you. It’s true of a parent who cares, it really does hurt us more. Yes we’re strict–because we care. Yes, I’ll tell my son I’ll not accept a B if it’s a lazy B. If he honestly has trouble with the material, fine, but if it’s from not studying, not trying, or in his case, having horrific handwriting…them’s lazy grades, and they deserve punishment. It’s not because we’re mean, it’s because we care and will do what we can when we can to instill a sense of responsibility in our children. What else can we do?

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