Wrap it Up, I’ll Take It

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Hey there. Let’s see if we can wrap this up now…

We begin to discuss who gets what, and how grandma wanted things done after she passed. Truthfully, it became a regular thing when talking to grandma that she would ask if there was something in particular I wanted, and after she is gone, she’ll be sure I get it. I could never voice things of hers, as something I wanted, it was just hard to fathom. She had her ways though. Division of assets began and it was a very difficult thing to do and my Aunt needed to get home. So we dealt with all of that and the house now sits empty, a shell of the life that once lived there and the memories that we all had in it.

The things I have of hers, I’ve begun to take them for granted, not looking at them and remembering her, each and every time and in a way that makes me sad. I miss her every day, and some more than others. It’s now been almost two months since then and we’ve all returned to our lives, I have re-established here and the kiddo is back in school and I’ve seen a few new people and am looking forward to what’s to come. The boy is 15, will be 16 next year and is dying to get a job. I’ve promised that if he passes all of his classes this semester, that after the christmas break and holiday, he can get a job as long as his grades remain high. Recently, I’ve slowed down, this is why I have more time to write, the parts I left out are all blurred by all the drinking I was doing. Safely at home the majority of the time, but still – I think my liver has aged five years in the last one.

I’ve also decided to look for a somewhat more significant relationship than just someone fun, carefree and hilarious…though those things are still important, I want a boyfriend. Given my current status in life, there will be no moving in here or there or any of that – I won’t do that to the boy, but it would be nice to have a guy. So that’s where I’m at peoples, back in Texas, back in my groove. I’ve been seeing a guy, we’ve been on a few dates and he’s great, I’ve called him Mr. Awesome on facebook so I suppose you can know him as Mr. A, keep it consistent lol. I like smart people, who have a lot to talk about that I don’t necessarily know anything about, keeps me interested ๐Ÿ™‚

I have to go make dinner, so ya’ll take it easy..talk again soon! Share your comments!

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The end of the world

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Good morning. Finished my evening with shots last night ๐Ÿ™‚ A little worse for wear today, but I’ll survive. Shall we?

So I learn this because I’m out when she decides this and my Aunt calls me to tell me, I in turn can’t stand myself and run to a friends house, needing to not be alone. I fall apart at the notion of losing grandma, and can’t stop crying, not wanting anyone to see me that way but needing a shoulder. I get all the tears out of me I can shed and still live and muster my courage to go to the hospital and visit. I spend most of the next two days there, terrified. There has been a bed arranged to be delivered to grandmas house and hospice will come in after she is transported home the next morning via ambulance. I stay as late as I think she can tolerate company and kiss her goodbye, busy morning ahead. At this point, she wouldn’t take the cpap machine at all, terrifying me further. I sat next to her that evening, asking if she needed anything, if I could get her anything, feeling useless.

She says, “no brina, just be here. I won’t be here much longer”. It was almost impossible for me to sit there stone faced and tears escaped, I know they did. So I stayed, and my Aunt fed her oatmeal and applesauce, on her request and she fell asleep and couldn’t be woken up. It took all her energy just to speak to us. I leave and my Aunt is behind me shortly and we both go to grandmas and talk about things and go to bed.

Early the next morning, I think it was around 5 am, my aunt woke me and told me the hospital called. That was in fact, the moment that my world did crash down around me. I knew what that meant and I got dressed so fast I don’t even know if I was really decent, moved my car to let my aunt out and was on my way in five more minutes. We both arrived too late, she had gone while we were in transit and we sat there, hugging and crying, glad she wasn’t suffering, but not wanting her to be really gone. The next three days were busy, telling people and planning the funeral and avoiding the grief. After that, we spent a quiet weekend, knowing what was next but not wanting to do it.

I have to stop now guys, more tomorrow. Share your comments!

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On the road again

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Back for more? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Let’s get right to it:

So I tell a disappointed teenager that we’re going home and after the expected anger, we began to pack and prepare. Then i got a call that my grandmothers’ condition had gone from bad to worse. While I wanted to step up our return, because it was scheduled for two weeks out, financially, I needed to wait two more weeks but I could afford to go down for a while myself, and try to find a place while I was at it. So I get up before the sun a few mornings later and drive back to Texas straight through. It wasn’t too bad, and the teenager wasn’t there to argue about what color the sky was. Made it back and went to see Grandma the next day, broken hearted. I will never forget seeing her in the hospital that day, I thought I would fall into the floor and never get back up. She looked so tired and weary and couldn’t keep her eyes open. It hurt me so badly to see her that way. I go to see her every day until she asks me not to, and when I’m not there, I’m looking for work and an apartment.

Her condition improves and she sounds strong again and they’re talking about taking her to rehab in preparation to go back home. I stayed here for about two weeks all told and got ready to head back to get the kid and our stuff when I’m sure I can afford the three days, I was terrified I would be too far away when and if something terrible happened. I drive straight through again and we load another trailer and head back, leaving the cat for now, but we will return for him. We drive all day until we get back to Dallas and start getting ready for the kid to return to school, and I go see Grandma every day. My aunt was staying down here at the time, wanting to be here for grandma and take care of her as much as possible. We celebrate Grandma’s birthday with her in the hospital and love that she’s in a great mood and looking forward to going home.

My cousin, her daughter, had a baby however and my Aunt desperately wanted to meet baby Abby, so she prepares to go home for a few days to Kansas. The day my Aunt arrives home, my grandmothers condition begins to worsen and I don’t have to tell you, but I believe I had an irregular heartbeat. Someone, I don’t recall who, calls my Aunt and she heads home early the next morning, despite my grandmothers’ argument for her to stay home. My Aunt gets back, which for me was a relief because she had taken on the position of my rock. I knew I would get straight answers from her and she knew she would from me, we have some family that will over-blow a situation and when in matters of health like this, that kind of over-exaggeration can be devastating. I couldn’t eat hardly, and what’s worse, at times she was incoherent and then the worst thing that I ever imagined could happen, she wanted to go home on hospice care, no longer interested in rehab, wanting to work at getting better, she had realized that the cpap machine was keeping her alive. I lost my shit that day. I cry now remembering that moment.

A little too much for me right now. More tomorrow. Share your comments!

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Rocky Mountain High

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Alrighty folks, where were we?

Oh yes! I’d left for Colorado. Can I just tell you, that drive was something else! We stopped overnight in Amarillo but still, wow! I’ve never gone out of Texas beyond Oklahoma so I felt special and adventurous and brave. I was homesick almost immediately. You take for granted familiarity of surroundings until you’re in an alien part of the country and you don’t have any idea where you are. Turns out, there are a lot of things Texas does, that other states don’t and vice versa. Now, I have to tell you on a side note, that during this time, my grandmother got sick with a chest cold of some sort and with her medical condition, she was going to have to go into the hospital for care for a while to get better and go back home. So the week after I arrived in Colorado Springs, my grandma went to the hospital, for routine care. My relationship with my Grandmother is complex, and hard to explain to people but like many in the generation of children now, my Grandmother raised me for the most part, so she is dear to me. She also taught me my trade and my heart fell when I learned she went in and I was 800 miles away.

I talked to her every few days, she sounded strong and cheerful and other family members frequented her room to visit and keep her company. During this time, I’m in Colorado, contemplating the decision I’ve made, surveying the area, the local and state government, the school system. All of those things to get a feel for my new surroundings. I enjoyed the mountains as a backdrop to the everyday scenery, there is a beauty and serenity in that vision that defies explanation. True enough, Colorado is a more liberal state with regard to medication, and it’s beautiful, but the taxation vs cost of living vs other things I was weighing, after about a month..I decided to make tracks back home. About this time, my grandmother had a crisis in the hospital.. making things that were already bad, worse.

I can tell you with complete faith, that for an entire week my blood pressure was at critical levels. I felt guilty, panicked, stranded, and like I’d let her down by leaving.

So much happened, you’ll be overwhelmed if I continue now.. More tomorrow! Share your comments!

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