The end of the world

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Good morning. Finished my evening with shots last night šŸ™‚ A little worse for wear today, but I’ll survive. Shall we?

So I learn this because I’m out when she decides this and my Aunt calls me to tell me, I in turn can’t stand myself and run to a friends house, needing to not be alone. I fall apart at the notion of losing grandma, and can’t stop crying, not wanting anyone to see me that way but needing a shoulder. I get all the tears out of me I can shed and still live and muster my courage to go to the hospital and visit. I spend most of the next two days there, terrified. There has been a bed arranged to be delivered to grandmas house and hospice will come in after she is transported home the next morning via ambulance. I stay as late as I think she can tolerate company and kiss her goodbye, busy morning ahead. At this point, she wouldn’t take the cpap machine at all, terrifying me further. I sat next to her that evening, asking if she needed anything, if I could get her anything, feeling useless.

She says, “no brina, just be here. I won’t be here much longer”. It was almost impossible for me to sit there stone faced and tears escaped, I know they did. So I stayed, and my Aunt fed her oatmeal and applesauce, on her request and she fell asleep and couldn’t be woken up. It took all her energy just to speak to us. I leave and my Aunt is behind me shortly and we both go to grandmas and talk about things and go to bed.

Early the next morning, I think it was around 5 am, my aunt woke me and told me the hospital called. That was in fact, the moment that my world did crash down around me. I knew what that meant and I got dressed so fast I don’t even know if I was really decent, moved my car to let my aunt out and was on my way in five more minutes. We both arrived too late, she had gone while we were in transit and we sat there, hugging and crying, glad she wasn’t suffering, but not wanting her to be really gone. The next three days were busy, telling people and planning the funeral and avoiding the grief. After that, we spent a quiet weekend, knowing what was next but not wanting to do it.

I have to stop now guys, more tomorrow. Share your comments!

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