Today my grandma would be 88. In a week, it will be the anniversary of her death. I struggled this morning with her memory, and tried to decide if it’s better to remember her today, and acknowledge that memory – even through the missing her feelings, the lump in my throat, or do I shove away the thoughts and push through the day as if it’s no special day. To save me the tears, and the missing her.
I decided finally that I’m not shoving her down, stifling her memory, I’m choked up because I love her. She deserves that from me, the acknowledgement that she’s still a really BIG force in my life. My eyes are wet as I write this and I’ve now shielded my face from anyone looking through these office doors so they don’t see my face as it inevitably turns red – and my eyes as they fill up.
She deserves every second I give her in my mind, and every word that I speak, write or consider in her honor. She was amazing, and audacious and I was lucky for every second that I had her in my world. Now I’m gonna swallow this lump in my throat and give her voice in my head a nod, because she would tell me to suck it up and that this is part of life lol.
I may not face it every single time her birthday comes around, but I know I’ll have it in the back of my mind, as I have so far. Kisses and love Grandma.
Most of you aren’t privy to my love of working within the legal community. It’s compelling, gives me the only dose of drama I can stand – regularly, and provides me invaluable knowledge. That said, this book was ridiculous in its power over me. If you don’t have this book, do yourself a favor – skip Starbucks tomorrow and buy this book tonight. I found it fantastic; thrilling, lightly emotional (thankfully because I’m a cold bitch to hear some tell it) and insanely witty. Here’s my official review:
I read the excerpt of this book and my brainmeats said, wait, WHAT? Then I slowed down and read it again. Born and raised in Dallas, and only 9 years younger than the author, I was intrigued more than I can describe.
Growing up in the lower income parts of Dallas will show you that the soap opera you see on TV, is definitely shot in a prettier part of the city. The Dallas Tanya describes in this book is two blocks from the streets I was willing to walk down. I was immediately captivated and traveled down every block with her, I’ve been down most of those very same streets – at different times. She was who I thought I would be when I got older, she was daring, fearless and impossible to intimidate. She had charm and the ability to talk circles around people, even those we think should be above it.
A 15 year old! Hoodwinks law enforcement! Amazing! This book is a page turner, and that term does it no justice. Good books stay in the back of your mind while you’re at work, the characters take on a life inside your mind and when you aren’t in that world, you wonder how they’re doing. This book, this story, was alive in my mind. So much of this book made me doubt it was autobiographical and several times I returned to the bio and reread it, shaking my head in disbelief. Driving cars into the corners of buildings, specifically to destroy them! Faking identities, challenging drug lords, nearly going to Mexican prison…and that’s such a small sampling of this story.
The tone of the book gave me a knowing smile, people are indeed stupid, and even now will believe so much that you tell them…I know then, it was child’s play. I appreciated it when she spoke directly to me, to us – the reader. It’s as if she gives us credit for being a little smarter because we are reading her book. The empathy she speaks of..it can be handicapping. I can’t say I always see myself in the character of a book, but in this I did. I saw the part of me that’s a coward..and does what she’s supposed to..I am glad that for a few page turning days, I got to live vicariously through her..in my own city.
If only every book I read were this compelling. I anxiously await the follow up 🙂
Today, I will make some confessions. Nothing too scandalous of course…but it’s not stuff I share every day. I get curious…and Facebook, as has been said, makes it stupid easy to be nosy. The two relationships I’ve had in my post husband life constantly war in my mind for attention. It’s like the background music to my daily script of life – some days it’s quieter than others.
Anyways…this past week, I looked both of them up and checked out how they were doing. One has a kidlet now – who as shitty as our thing ended, that kid is cute as it can be. Gag. LOL. The other one..moved a chickie in with him a month after I broke it off.
I know. Supah fast – but that’s part of the reason I broke it off, he was speeding to a destination that was never part of my trip. I once made a joke about being a commitment phobe, and he laughed about it – but it didn’t stop the pushing. Even when he wasn’t talking about it directly – he would hint. It got old and I became resentful and I had to end it. The thing is, as mad as I might have been at either at any time – I still want to see that they’re doing well. I don’t necessarily want to interact. But I like to know they’re living reasonably well. Some call that crazy…I think when you love someone it never really goes away. Maybe it just manifests a different way.
There’s my Friday confessional, what you got?