Today my grandma would be 88. In a week, it will be the anniversary of her death. I struggled this morning with her memory, and tried to decide if it’s better to remember her today, and acknowledge that memory – even through the missing her feelings, the lump in my throat, or do I shove away the thoughts and push through the day as if it’s no special day. To save me the tears, and the missing her.
I decided finally that I’m not shoving her down, stifling her memory, I’m choked up because I love her. She deserves that from me, the acknowledgement that she’s still a really BIG force in my life. My eyes are wet as I write this and I’ve now shielded my face from anyone looking through these office doors so they don’t see my face as it inevitably turns red – and my eyes as they fill up.
She deserves every second I give her in my mind, and every word that I speak, write or consider in her honor. She was amazing, and audacious and I was lucky for every second that I had her in my world. Now I’m gonna swallow this lump in my throat and give her voice in my head a nod, because she would tell me to suck it up and that this is part of life lol.
I may not face it every single time her birthday comes around, but I know I’ll have it in the back of my mind, as I have so far. Kisses and love Grandma.