Rewards for Goals

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I have these bouts of introspection that most of the time lead to a change in my thinking, acting or something. They aren’t predictable at all, and I don’t know if it’s maybe a byproduct of self awareness or what but regardless, it’s one of those things that make adult life kind of a bitch.

Wish: That I could have fun, spend money whenever I want, and still be able to pay all my bills with no problem.

Reality: Budget, Budget, Budget, No you can’t buy that, no you can’t do that, no that concert isn’t something you can afford to go to. No, no happy hour for you.

This is what introspection does to me. I have to get real with myself and typically, it’s about the time I need to also dig out of a mess of my own creation. Hence, therefore, thus. I spent a lot of my life as a minimalist, wouldn’t shop, buy things for myself -spend money on myself, do fun things that involved spending money. I look upon those times as the dark period. I really have no desire to revisit.

However, my budget says that I need to slow WAAAY down. Which is so boring. SO. What I would very much like to do, is an idea that is similar to “going dark” which is a term used for covert activity in the military – I believe. I have decided I drink too much outside of my own home – so I’m not going to allow myself to do it again until I’ve dropped a size. Then I will permit myself one wild and woolly karaoke night, hopefully coordinated with my friends.

That is Goal #1. You would think my finances would be what I decide should be goal #1. Nope. My reward for good behavior. I want my fucking reward. So I will be good, and drink at home, and work out MORE OFTEN at home and stop avoiding the loneliness I’ve been avoiding by plopping my ass onto a bar stool too often. I started this working out kick in August, and I’m still doing 3 workouts a week including my challenge and a personal commitment to push ups. But it’s not enough. I’ve been tracking everything I put in my mouth for a month, and I just drink too much when I’m at the bar. There’s nothing else to do there but drink and smoke, and talk. What does it offer me? An escape from my reality.

How pathetic.

Are you enjoying this confessional? Recognize yourself in any of this destructive behavior? I started with the WHOAman in the mirror and man alive..what a mess that bitch is. But we all start somewhere and I dare say that where I’m at is a far cry from where I was last year, with the exception of not with someone. I think my biggest problem with me is that I’ve realized in the last month or so, I made a colossal mistake this year and I regret it, but have no choice but to move on.

Live and learn right?
Sigh.

I have also decided to do my level best to have a car paid for free and clear by 2020. I don’t think trying to have my student loans paid off by then is going to cut it. I want to start on my tiny house dream. So I’m hoping that next year, if all goes as promised, one of my part time jobs will pick up and add $200 or more per month to my budget and my savings will get kicked up a notch.

Honestly folks, financially, I’m terribly irresponsible. Terribly. I’ve struggled with it since I was a young adult and on my own for the first time. I know what the right thing is, but I have so much trouble fighting my impulses.

Share your tips on self control if you have any, I need all the help I can get.

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