…for a long time I was going through the motions. False bravado with a little confidence mixed with some experience and no one knew that I wasn’t really striving. My past three years have been some of my hardest and I have learned far more than I ever thought I would while I was going through it. Around fall, when I changed my focus to myself and started putting my health in front of most all other things, I began to achieve a clarity I’d never known before. In my early twenties I thought I was pretty clear and knew my direction.
LAUGH OUT LOUD!
Now I’ve circled back to myself, after the death of the most important woman in my life, the end of a long relationship that I never thought would end and the quickly approaching adulthood of my son, you can imagine I’m in a bit of a tailspin. I feel sometimes like I came out of a cloud of bullshit and doubt and found myself again finally, in these last few months.
I remember the girl I was in my twenties before I met him and I missed her the entire time I was with him, I just didn’t realize that she had gone missing. I said all that to say this, In these last months as I slowly but surely pulled my head out of my ass and saw the shambles I had created in my life, I quickly shook it off and began reconstruction. I mentioned before my 5 year plan, and every day I do one more thing to get me closer to those goals, sometimes more than one, but always at least one.
So many good things are coming, so many changes. I’ll be starting a business in a few years, but before I do that, there are a shit ton of details to work in and out. Not to mention, who knows what will change in the coming years, the beautiful thing about this life is that it is ever changing, ever evolving and if you’re amenable to these things, you find life to be more pleasurable. Resisting change is a sure fire way to become disgruntled about life and disappointed with where you find yourself. I’ll be perfectly honest, on any given day, I am worried about money. Will I have enough? Will my dreams be attainable? Will I even get close? I worry about my son constantly, I wonder if he’ll land on his feet, if he’ll find a good person to make a life with, will he end up a single father? Will he be willing to do what’s necessary to keep his family together, if it is possible?
My point is this, most of us had goals – even if we don’t now. Sometimes we get distracted with life and the tomorrows and the appointments and the kid sports and the going here and going there…and before we know it five, ten years have passed and we are suddenly slower, grayer and reminiscing our glory days. I say fuck that. My glory days are today, tomorrow and my future. I’ll think of those in the past sure, but there are MANY MANY more to come.
I may not have everything that I want, nor will I ever – honestly – but that doesn’t keep me from dreaming and being positive about the steps I’m taking to get there. Baby steps at least folks, do one thing every day to get you closer to that goal. And when you get there? Don’t stop! For fucks sake folks, you should never settle in where you are! Keep pushing, trying, walking, running, moving, shaking whatever you have to do – keep on going!
What’s your next goal? Small or large I don’t care. Get coffee? Well get your ass out of bed and take that first step to that goal. Spill! What’s your next goal?