Swimming in the Deep End

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An image, a song, a lyric, a poem. All of these can serve as triggers or tapestry. Is it an image I kind of halfway see as go about my way? Maybe a lyric that stopped me, dead in my tracks as I tried to drift off to sleep last night; I am suddenly transfixed to a time that was incredible – a high place where I soared – I’m left with a tear falling on my pillow, I want to sob but there’s so little angst left in the memory.

Looking at a southbound sunset and you drift across my mind with your twinkling eyes and I hate and love you all at once. The power in that makes me know that I can love someone deeply…I didn’t really think that I could. You were a tornado that came into my life like a whirlwind and left it just as quickly. Some of you read my play by play, though I am a coward and took those posts down, I felt silly after it all came crashing around me. I am nothing if not prideful.

“Pride goeth before a fall.” (actual bible verse)

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The image you see above this is one that came to me in a pack of license free images I get in my email, which is what triggered that first line way at the top there. This image appealed as a crossroads to me. The sky for me is representative of no limitations, were it actual road, it might have read to me differently…like the road to nowhere. That’s what I think about when I see pictures of unending road, Ozzy cues up in my brain and suddenly we’re on a crazy train on the highway to hell. Oh yeah, I just mixed my metal. I am at a crossroads with no limits now.

I keep some details of my personal life to myself, and really – given what this website represents, I shouldn’t, I should bare all to you. Regardless, some of you were witness to my fall, might have even noticed I predicted the end. Sometimes we halfway consciously dive into things we know we shouldn’t, we see the bad that’s coming but we walk in anyways. It’s like having an appreciation for scary movies – you know it’ll be scary and for some of it maybe not so pleasant, but the entertainment you get out of it is somehow worth the unpleasantness.

Now that I don’t hurt so bad, I see the lesson I needed to learn. I had to be sucked in kicking and screaming to that fierce and short lived affair, but it lent proof I could love again; even though it took a tornado to make that happen. I was holding so tightly to my fences and hidden so deeply in my storm shelter, as much as it hurts me now to lay it all bare – it took a massive storm that could wreck me. Here, I have laid in the remains of the storm, fences and shelter all blown away and in bits -they’ll never fit back like they did before, my wounds, still bloody are starting to scab over. I can move without groaning and aching again and I’ve started the path back to civilization. I might hit a dark alley or two on my way back.

I’ll step back out into the sun now. Time to keep going.

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