I have to confess something only people close to me know. I reject labels and I’ve always felt that admitting this would subject me to labeling, but I know I’m not the only one that has this issue.
Large crowds in small places, I have a low tolerance for them. I will go, and be part of the party of its important to people I care about, but I tend to pop in for the important stuff and make my exits after a couple hours or until I notice my irritation getting out of control..let’s be honest, it’s no one’s problem but mine.
I went to a wedding tonight that was beautiful and well worth going to, the brides looked amazing and are very much in love with each other, it was very beautiful. Once the ceremony and toasts were over, everyone started heading to the back yard for swimming and shenanigans, but there were LOTS of people there. So I hugged the brides and my friends and headed out. I sat in my car for a few minutes, feeling bad that this is an issue and I can’t control it. I’m an adult, I should be able to…right?
I beat myself up about these things, I feel stupid and out of control that this phobia or whatever it is gets the better of me, feeling out of control is a feeling I despise. That feeling is why I’ve never tried or been interested in narcotics or anything that can get ahold of me quickly. Addiction is a family trait, and I don’t want it to get me.
To be honest, I know what this is, it’s social anxiety. It has a name, but that’s no comfort to me.