Have I Mentioned

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I hate dating? Now I understand Wierd Science…those boys knew what was up, ordering up the perfect person. It’s genius really, plug in some data, let the computer do it’s ‘putering and voila!  The perfect guy, just for me.

I have a lot of first dates, not a lot of second ones and rarely a third. I’m picky and I know what I want, so this is my reality. I’m fine as a single lady, going, doing, whatever I please, so really my life is missing nothing. Trust.

I met a guy recently, things are going well, I like him, he likes me, we’ve had several dates and even a movie night. Then his talk gets kinda serious and I start slowly inching back. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves right?  He sent me flowers, which is a super sweet gesture.. But my concern for the speed at which we were moving hit a fever pitch.

Can I just stop and mention, I don’t have personal deadlines for relationships.. I like those to be slow and easy, not rushed or point driven.. I just wanna have fun and go on dates and enjoy companionship without some subtext in there complicating things.

And, why the fuck am I the one that’s laid back about it? Like, hey mister, ease on back.. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.. I’m a commitment phobe…If it looks or feels like commitment, I’m outta there.

Then he asks to spend the day with me… I had plans, but I didn’t respond right away, I was busy. Then I get a text about an hour or so later, that he takes my silence as a no.

This is where you lose me buddy. My silence should not be interpreted. If I don’t say anything, don’t assume anything. That’s childish and stupid and I’m not into it. I don’t play games, nor will I be forced to because I like someone. Games kill it for me, every time, it’s a deal breaker. Not to mention, this ALL happened in a week.

There was one point where he said because there’s no commitment, my time is mine…which raised my eyebrow…it’s it just me or isn’t my time always mine? Even in a relationship, circumstances are rare that would allow or necessitate anyone deciding what happens for me…amirite? Like, maybe if I’m on life support…

There was a bit more after that, I’ll spare y’all the back and forth. I’m just saying, chill out guys. At my age (mid 30’s) there’s no rush to have a family or anything like that, that part of my life is done.

Ugh. Have I mentioned I hate dating?

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It’s Seasonal

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Winter time is a tough time for me, I struggle with an attitude problem every year, when the weather turns grey; my mood goes grey too and I have difficulty overcoming it. I’ll get a little more snarky, more prone to complaining than being happy and less excited about the general state of things. When the weather has the audacity to unleash rain during this season, it’s even worse, I would compare my state of mind almost to depressed, I just want to stay home and sleep or watch Netflix or something, anything but leave my place.

I know they have names for it, I don’t care. I have come to call it the Season of my General Discontent. I’m not happy with anything and if I am, it’s short lived. I have my days where it doesn’t affect me and I’m happy regardless, but they aren’t as frequent as I’d like.

I think it has a lot to do with the forced recollection of the prior year, and the “resolutions” of the coming year. I don’t make resolutions really, I just evaluate the prior year and look forward into the next and usually get pissed off at myself for things I didn’t accomplish though I wanted to…I mean.. that’s what the new year is about right, shaming us into action on things we didn’t run with?

It’s not?

Well, shit.

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What I’m Listening to for Concentration

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Out of the blue it happened, I heard about one artist and it was an evolution of sorts that has led me to a place where I relish this newly found world…or I should say genre, for the sake of understanding. I wish I could recall the why and where of my first listen, the very first time I heard Black & Yellow by Josh Vietti. But once I did, I became curious and listened to a bit more of his music, quickly falling for it. I already love music, it takes me places like nothing else I know can. That song was a cover of a popular rap song that I abhor. Kinda funny huh?

After liking a few songs, I started a Pandora station, because that’s what I do when I want to explore a musical taste. I called “Instrumental Covers” and if anyone wants me to share it with them, comment below and I’ll send you a link – it’s great for those times you still want music you like but can’t afford the distraction of words. I have allowed precious few concertos and instrumental music that aren’t covers, like Lindsay Stirling – The Piano Guys…etc.

Check them out, you’ll like them, and if you don’t, well…hey different strokes – try it anyways 😉 Tonight is a long awaited karaoke night for myself and several friends, so y’all have a good weekend and if you can’t be good, be good at it!!

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Holding My Breath

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That picture, is exactly how I feel these days. I’m in a rough place in my life, plagued with decisions in some aspects and indecision in other aspects. It’s maddening. I have a plan to buy an RV to move into by the end of this year, I forged this plan last year after much consideration regarding the best way to slide into tiny living. Buying an RV is just one step on the way. I feel that I have a lot to do in between now and then and my biggest problem, PROCRASTINATION. I have a lot of the “I don’t wanna’s” going on in my head. All of my life I’ve been driven, accountable to myself, ambitious and ready to tackle anything in my life…and you know what? I’m fucking tired.

My son made it to 18, no scratches, ne’er a broken bone and perhaps a little too sheltered, but no babies, no felonies or cases in his name period. For a single mom in my socioeconomic status – that’s pretty impressive. No worries, I’m not patting myself on the back too hard, he is after all filling his time with Xbox and virtually nothing else. Which leads me to the part of the story where I tell you I am terrified. I even had bad dreams about it last night because I’ve been worrying over it for days.

What if my son never gets off the ground with dreams? What if he’s content with being mediocre? What if he aspires to not much more than what he’s doing now – which is precious little.. I have so much anxiety about this, I want him to do so much better than I did. By his age I was out on my own, had left home and was working a lot and finishing high school…so where is his motivation?

I’m procrastinating my future, and so is my son. Now, the problem lies in how do I propel us both onto our feet and moving in the right direction? Something has to give.

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