Holding My Breath

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That picture, is exactly how I feel these days. I’m in a rough place in my life, plagued with decisions in some aspects and indecision in other aspects. It’s maddening. I have a plan to buy an RV to move into by the end of this year, I forged this plan last year after much consideration regarding the best way to slide into tiny living. Buying an RV is just one step on the way. I feel that I have a lot to do in between now and then and my biggest problem, PROCRASTINATION. I have a lot of the “I don’t wanna’s” going on in my head. All of my life I’ve been driven, accountable to myself, ambitious and ready to tackle anything in my life…and you know what? I’m fucking tired.

My son made it to 18, no scratches, ne’er a broken bone and perhaps a little too sheltered, but no babies, no felonies or cases in his name period. For a single mom in my socioeconomic status – that’s pretty impressive. No worries, I’m not patting myself on the back too hard, he is after all filling his time with Xbox and virtually nothing else. Which leads me to the part of the story where I tell you I am terrified. I even had bad dreams about it last night because I’ve been worrying over it for days.

What if my son never gets off the ground with dreams? What if he’s content with being mediocre? What if he aspires to not much more than what he’s doing now – which is precious little.. I have so much anxiety about this, I want him to do so much better than I did. By his age I was out on my own, had left home and was working a lot and finishing high school…so where is his motivation?

I’m procrastinating my future, and so is my son. Now, the problem lies in how do I propel us both onto our feet and moving in the right direction? Something has to give.

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