MouthyGirl.com

This post hails from CardioGirl a kick ass blogger Definitely a recommend read for you, I read nearly every post, if not every one of them.

And now…..without further delay…

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As a mere sprite, I was the youngest of six — five girls and one boy — my mother constantly told me the story of my birth and how everyone hoped, for her sake, that I would be a boy. Back then in the Stone Ages ultrasound was not used to check on the baby, much less to determine the gender, so it was a waiting game.

Regardless, in the late 60s, a pregnant woman who had four daughters and one boy garnered sympathy from those other women in a similar state. They would all tell my mother they hoped it was boy. Maybe, if she were lucky, she would have two sons.

She always finished the story with this, “But God gave me the baby I was meant to have. And that was you.” She made sure to tell me that she didn’t care, boy or girl, she just wanted a healthy baby. Then she would further elaborate that gender didn’t matter. Women can create their own opportunities; they are just as smart, just as capable and just as worthy.

But somehow, hearing that over and over I only picked up on the dismay the “other people” in her life expressed. I knew my mom loved me and was fine with the fact that I was a girl. But all I heard from her was that society had hoped for a boy for her.

I always thought it was weird the way she phrased the story. Couldn’t she have focused on something other than gender and ended with, “But God gave me the baby I was meant to have. And that was you.”

Times have changed, though, and society’s stigma of having a boy vs. a girl has lightened a bit. But I must admit when I was pregnant with my second child and out and about with my first daughter, people would say to me, “Well, maybe you’ll have a boy.” Then I had my second daughter.

And when I was out and about with my two daughters and pregnant the third time, almost everyone I ran into felt the need to speculate, “Maybe this will be your boy.” But between you and me, I really wanted another girl. I prayed for another girl. I understand the equipment that comes with girls. I enjoy my girls. I knew I would love a boy, but I wanted another girl.

And I made sure to never say that around my older daughters, because I didn’t want to taint their memories. And God sent me my third daughter.

Now when I talk with my girls it never comes up about their gender. So far this issue of boys being smarter than girls has not reared its ugly head. Yet. I do believe it’s possible to celebrate the opportunities available to girls without discounting girls.

Again, I really believe it’s all how you present the story. I could tell my daughters, like my mother told me, “You can do anything even though you’re a girl.”

But instead I like to tell my daughters, “Because you are clever and hard working you can achieve anything you want to achieve.” No disclaimers necessary.

Like most folks out there, I’m a work in progress. I am still trying to re-frame my own way of thinking about myself. I think I’m getting close. Although I still have to remind myself, daily, that I can achieve anything I want, as long as I put the effort into it.

I still have to tell myself I rock just because I’m me. Not a chick. Not a dude. But uniquely me.

Hopefully my daughters will grow up knowing they are more than just a girl – instead of less than a boy.

Cardiogirl

http://www.cardiogirl.net

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I was running late today, big surprise huh? LOL. But I’m on lunch now and wanted to share some things that are on my mind. You see, I have the desire to go back to school because I feel I have unfinished business, fortunately I’m at the stage where I can pick up where I left off and change my major if I want to, since I stopped at the sophomore level.

However, I do not know what I want to be or do when I grow up, sure I have an idea of what I like to do, and I know what I’m good at. But I’d like to do something fun, something that won’t make me hate my job after six months. I know that’s a tall order for me, but I want to find my niche in this life because let’s face it, I’m staring down 30 while it’s running full force in my direction. I don’t have much time left before I’m an old lady. I want to spend some of this life happy in my job.

I just took a “Career Analyzer” test at, you guessed it, CareerAnalyzer.net and it tells me I should be a Writer. But that in itself is a diverse field, and can be incredibly competitive and really, I’m not sure I’m that good, but maybe with some formal training I could be. Let me ask you a question about MouthyGirl, if you’ll allow me to:

Do you sit there reading my drivel and think, this is like a train wreck, I want to look away but I.just.can’t? Tell me what you think, honestly, I can take it.

Well anyway, the second recommendation was that I should be a News Analyst, Reporter or Correspondent, which sounds pretty cool if you ask me, I stay interested in current events and really if I didn’t control myself I could watch the news all day, but my blood pressure would be up and I’d be an emotional wreck, so I quickly turn to VH1 after my daily dose, or when the stories start repeating, whichever comes first.

The third recommendation was funny to me because I started college intending to be something like this, the test suggests I become a Social Scientist. Not opposed to that, except well, I stopped with that major because I like to think that I’m not crazy or dysfunctional and I’m almost positive that once I started delving into my own psyche that I’d find things I didn’t want to find and would be too disillusioned to practice my chosen field. I often joke that I don’t want to find out how crazy I or my family is so it’s best I stay ignorant to the whole thing. Funny thing is, I know we’re all crazy so it wouldn’t be news.

The fourth recommendation was for me to take up Psychology. Um, are we beginning to notice a trend? I am. But psychology is a little scary to me because those people is crazy! No I jest, I just am not sure I want to put myself in the line of fire… you’ve heard of those clients, the ones that either fall in love with you and stalk you and can’t have you so they kill you or the ones that think you’re out to get them so they kill you. Not sure I want a piece of that action at all.

Ironically, the field I am in is all the way down to recommendation number 10. Isn’t that funny, it tells me writing is the deal for me. Do you think so? So as much as my brain tells me there’s no money in writing, maybe that’s it. I’ve done that the longest, even when I was a child I was trying to. I wrote about that on “Bring Out Your Bears” when DCR tagged me, I swear I’ll find that binder and photograph it to show you all my little juvenile attempt at a fictional/dream life. Yes DCR I promise, there will be pictures. You’ll all laugh your asses off.

So maybe I have some bad news to break to my boss soon? LOL. I do definitely think it’s time to do some research on those top three recommended fields. But my lunch is almost over and as much as I’d like to write to you all day, I must do that supportive/administrative/clerical crap that I do (read:lackey/gopher) and earn that paycheck.

I hope you’re all having a great day, again I apologize for the late post, but boy is it getting harder everyday to drag myself out of the house to come to this job…

Happy Friday!

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I don’t think I’m alone in this so I’m going to talk about it here. I hit these periods in my life where I spend a lot of time looking back over the past few years. Now sometimes when this happens I like what I see, what I’ve done, where I’ve been. Sometimes I am proud and pat myself on the back a little.

But sometimes I don’t like what I’ve seen and I’m disappointed in myself and my lack of progress. Don’t get me wrong…these are not regrets, just deficiencies I see in myself and in time that I spent idle when I could’ve been moving forward.

I’ve hit one of these periods recently and what triggers them I think is big changes in my life. Two years ago I did the same thing after my uncle passed, and now after my Great Aunt has passed, I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me this interest in my recent history and personal evaluation. To a certain degree I suppose I should be glad I’ve been affected profoundly enough to feel it’s time to alter the course of my life.

Several years ago, my son started having trouble in school and after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to take a break from going to school part time and be here for him in the evening to help with his homework. Though I can’t say either of us has benefited from the homework help because he’s a stubborn boy, I have enjoyed the time just being a mom that works and comes home. My house is cleaner than it used to be, most of the time.

I still feel that I’ve been idle and have left a piece of the puzzle out. I feel I’ve got unfinished business and I’m fortunate to know what it is. I have a degree to finish.

Funny thing though, what once was so clear regarding the direction I wanted to take has now become a hazy, gray area and I’m not sure what I want to do. I considered a writing/english type degree, but really what would that get me? I am a greedy one, if I’m spending the money on the education, it needs to make me some money in return.

However some of my real life experience in the working world has changed my opinion of what I desire to do with my time. I’m at an impasse.

You see I remember a time a long time ago, when I was hanging out with a friend of mine, near and dear to me now, that waxed prophetic to me one day and changed my life. She said that no matter what you do in life, Education is the one thing no one can take from you. No matter how low in life you get, if what you know got you to the top once, it can get you there again. I was in school already that’s where I met her, but I was just going to get a certificate and be on my way.

Oddly I can’t remember what certificate program I started after. It was months after we became friends that she said that to me, but it stuck with me and made me decide that a certificate program wasn’t going to cut it. I realized that it would never be enough and I was selling my son short.

And myself.

She didn’t know it then but she changed my life that day. That was the day that I began in a small way to believe in myself. And it was because she believed in me. I knew she must have or she wouldn’t have wasted her breath on me….she is not the kind of person that believes in lost causes, I knew that then and even more so now. Until that time, I didn’t know what that was like.

I re-evaluated my life shortly after that and decided major changes needed to be made that were hindering my forward movement in life. I became a single mom when my son was two and from that time on I had so much more to prove, to him and to me.

Lately I think I’ve become complacent and can’t believe for a while there I actually thought school had nothing more to teach me. I’m shocked at myself for adopting such a view. So now I’m motivated again to make something of myself, to prove that I can be somebody. I’m going to go back to school…once I figure out some sort of direction. I’m giving myself til December or January, whenever the enrollment period is for school, and I’m going back, in the Spring.

But I wondered…

Do you believe in you? Where do you see yourself in five years?

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Yesterday the hubby and I were talking about our plans for our future and things we intend to accomplish over the next few years. We do a lot of living in today, not thinking much about tomorrow, though we know it’s coming.

So we talked over our plans, we both of course have the same idea and direction, the only thing getting in our way is ourselves. Planning is just like having a road map for a long road trip. A plan is a good way to chart your course so that when we’re on that course, and living in today like hubby and I tend to do, we can also try to get some of our long term goals accomplished as well.

I’ve been working hard behind the scenes to start securing independent contractor work so that I can supplement my income and hubby works overtime constantly. It’s the school year again and for some reason it brings with it not only a stricter schedule for my son, but also a more conformed frame of mind for me as well.

So we have a course to follow for the next few years, things to accomplish and all that fun stuff. This doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy life because we’re looking ahead at all, this just means in the back of our minds, we know we have a purpose for most everything we’re doing. This will stave off my incessant questioning of where I’m at in life, I second guess myself all too often, wondering if I’m doing what I should be doing, will this be what I’m doing in fifteen years? Do I even like this?

At least for now I’ll be satisfied knowing we have some things ironed out for our future. What do you have planned for your next few years? Do you have a plan for your next few years? Do you think you need one?

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No one likes to think about it, much less admit it, out loud or to themselves. That side of us that thinks negatively, judges quickly, makes us paranoid and suspicious, that ugly side of us, that we don’t want anyone to see because we know it’s a frowned upon attitude or thought process.

I have that inside me, the UGLY. The ugly makes me think I am ugly and that makes me care what other people think of me. I don’t like to think other people affect the way I feel about myself, but they do. That same ugly makes me think ugly thoughts about other people, I make assumptions that aren’t right, judgements that I feel guilty for later, and other deeds that are certainly not honorable.

I drink far too much. I find it to be one of the precious few things that calms me. Sometimes I feel lost and don’t know what direction to take, wishing I had a clear talent, something I was good at. I have to try at everything…nothing comes easily really.

But I have the UGLY. The syndrome that makes me feel like I’m being judged and where I too am guilty of the wrong assumption. Do you have days like this? Weeks, even months?

Seems sometimes I can’t shake this negative attitude, then for a while I’m doing well and staying positive and feeling successful…

Oh well, tomorrow is GirlFriday and that always cheers me up!

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You ever have one of those days where stress just doesn’t touch you? I wish I had more like this. Don’t know why this day was a breeze as so many of them aren’t but today, well nothing got to me today….nada.

Oh boy is this a rare one. There are lots of things I could have gotten all twisted up about, but didn’t. I actually had a good day. So bizarre. So on with the point of today’s post…

I was listening to Warrant today. “Thin Disguise” and it got me thinking about the facade’s that we put up so that people don’t see us. I mean people see you, but they don’t see you as you would be around people you enjoy being around. So I thought while he sings, “…one of these days when I have the time I’ll show you what I’m like…on the insi-ide” I thought maybe I should share a few things about myself you guys don’t know.

I’m surprisingly domestic. I like to please the man of the house, my man. I like to let him make the decisions, if he’s so inclined, it’s less work for me really. And to a certain extent, I like being told what to do. I let him run the remote and he doesn’t normally get any complaints out of me. I get lost in my mind thinking about things, that’s enough to do without committing to some stupid TV show. I’ll complain if it’s the fifth time we’ve seen an episode of family guy in three weeks, I’ll usually say something like, “You know reruns are cool and all, but not so much when they only rerun five episodes”…he gets the hint and he’ll flip it. It’s rare that I’m actually watching it so I really don’t know how many times it’s been on. I try to make sure my man is happy with me, our relationship and all that. He calls me the CFO of the house, I think that’s cute.

I’m very nice, I have a calming demeanor for other people, I find people tend to tell me all kinds of things because I listen very well. I empathize very easily and really genuinely want people to have a good life, everyone. Even my enemies. But for those people, just please leave me out of it, lol.

I give and love to do it, I donate as often as I can to St. Jude, those poor babies shouldn’t suffer at all, ever. No child deserves to get any kind of illness that’s life threatening, it’s just not fair, so I’ll help any way that I can. I donate to Veterans too, but I do not subscribe to magazines when someone knocks on my door, and I can’t stand solicitors. If I want something, I’ll find it.

I turn to mush when I’m being yelled at. I do not know how to handle that kind of situation. I’ve been thinking lately I should find some book on tape about how to handle confrontation. I know what I want to say, but I feel like if I open my mouth I’ll cry like a fucking baby, and that frustrates me so I just take being yelled at with nothing to say, no rebuttals. That’s perhaps the thing that irritates me most about myself.

I have always felt like a failure even when I’m successful at something. It’s as if I just don’t believe I’ve done anything worthy of recognition, though when pointed out I take the credit no problem, I think my confidence still needs work.

MouthyGirl is a person that I’m creating to give me strength, to help me become something I never would’ve dreamed I could be, a successful leader that takes nothing from anyone.

But before I wrap this up, remember I said I’m surprisingly domestic? At the same time I realize there are things a man needs, that I try to provide. I think I’ve said before that I like to make sure he wants for nothing…so he went out tonight with a friend as thanks for helping us with our move. He comes home and tells me that they talked a bit about their women, how cute huh? Let’s just say, I’m getting props because I go above and beyond.

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I catch a funny joke he makes, I watch tv with him to see what he watches, listened to his favorite stations to hear what he hears. He’s a pretty well rounded kid, I’ve not shielded him from much as I think you do a disservice when you shelter your little people.

A guy named Kinky Friedman ran for Governor of Texas in 2006 and one of his standpoints on politics was to, “treat adults like children and children like adults”. Makes perfect sense to me.

I’ve always tried to take child rearing seriously, and to deal with questions and discipline with common sense, care, and most of all to encourage him to have big dreams but to be also grounded in reality. I try to build his confidence, make him understand when I’m proud of him (which is a lot) and tell him he should be proud of himself. I want him to have pride in himself because without that, you really have it rough in the world.

I’ve always tried to respect him as a person, and though he’s moody, like I was, he is respectful and courteous and all the other kids parents love him too. Coming from where I come from, I’ve tried to stay conscious of everything I do with him, tell him, etc. Our latest campaign is college.

I’ve wandered, I apologize. Anyways, he’s cracking jokes, he’s rockin’ a cell phone, with a pimp tone we made on Phonezoo from Mom’s awesome music collection. \

He has a girlfriend, named Maddie. He’s a cute little guy really. He’s got full lips like me and cute cheeks, blue eyes and blond hair and a great smile. He’s sweet and tries to be a good friend. Look out ladies…

He’s become a much more considerate child, and I can see a little maturity here and there, like he realizes he has a place in this family and that isn’t always only for the fun stuff. In less than a month he’ll turn 11, I’m not even 30 yet, so this makes me realize how young I am and how far we’ve come in such a short time.

This week we’ve been unpacking pictures and decorating and one of my favorite photos of him has always been a photo of him when he was about 3 and had a toy camera. He was wearing a gray shirt, tucked into his cute little jeans with a belt on and he had a fresh haircut, such a cutie and I was crouched to take a picture of him and he mimicked my pose with the camera with his own and that’s when I captured my favorite shot. Of him behind the camera (like I always am) but not so far behind the camera that you couldn’t see his smile.

I love that photo. It reminds me of simpler times when I could tackle him with hugs and kisses and he would just giggle and giggle and giggle and finally scream in his little cutie voice, “Mommy I can’t breathe!” giggling between words. Precious memories. Now we’re back to a fun phase where he’s fun and silly and has quite the sense of humor, and even well timed sarcasm. It’s great. I understand the sentimental things now, and the stupid hallmark commercials make me get all teary eyed.

Sometimes I’m such a sap. I have a video to share with you, holds a motto I’ve always tried to keep in mind so that I could enjoy all these growing up years…

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