MouthyGirl.com

No one likes to think about it, much less admit it, out loud or to themselves. That side of us that thinks negatively, judges quickly, makes us paranoid and suspicious, that ugly side of us, that we don’t want anyone to see because we know it’s a frowned upon attitude or thought process.

I have that inside me, the UGLY. The ugly makes me think I am ugly and that makes me care what other people think of me. I don’t like to think other people affect the way I feel about myself, but they do. That same ugly makes me think ugly thoughts about other people, I make assumptions that aren’t right, judgements that I feel guilty for later, and other deeds that are certainly not honorable.

I drink far too much. I find it to be one of the precious few things that calms me. Sometimes I feel lost and don’t know what direction to take, wishing I had a clear talent, something I was good at. I have to try at everything…nothing comes easily really.

But I have the UGLY. The syndrome that makes me feel like I’m being judged and where I too am guilty of the wrong assumption. Do you have days like this? Weeks, even months?

Seems sometimes I can’t shake this negative attitude, then for a while I’m doing well and staying positive and feeling successful…

Oh well, tomorrow is GirlFriday and that always cheers me up!

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Just thought I’d share the new skin I just ordered for my laptop, it’s awesome…

Can’t wait till it gets here!

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Life deals us the oddest hands sometimes, it makes it hard for us to figure out if there’s some divine meaning to life, or if we’re all just some crazy experiment gone awry and we’re just waiting for the scientist to self destruct. Working for other people is a hard thing to do, especially when you have your sights set on working for yourself at some point.

I’ve had my share of stressful jobs, I’ve worked retail a lot, in all different scenarios, including door to door sales. I’ve waited tables, worked in a gas station (was robbed), delivered pizza - until it was time to get serious and get a “real” job. I’ve worked my way up the “clerical/office employee” ladder ever since. I’ve had my fair share of nightmare bosses.

Most recently I worked for a Dermatopathologist (the two years before my current job), which was very interesting and at times gross work. I learned a lot about skin, the medical world and how dermatology and plastic surgeon offices worked. Be that as it may, I always thought I was paid nicely and was allowed time off when needed, and if I didn’t use the paid time off I was given, I got it at the end of the year in a check, I even got a Christmas bonus or two. But the honeymoon was over when it was time for me to buy a house.

I discovered that my boss had a hard time seeing beyond her own nose in her private time, which I can’t say I wouldn’t struggle with myself if I were successful. That being said, I think personally that in an office environment of five or six people, the relationship with your employees is somewhat important for daily peace and I think that I would strive to maintain a healthy, friendly relationship with any employees I may ever have. But when I needed paycheck verification for my mortgage broker because we were paid with handwritten checks, my boss made it clear she was NOT going out of her way to get that for me.

I honestly thought I would not be able to get my house. She became my enemy overnight. I felt that anyone who would stand in the way of “the American dream” of home ownership for an employee who gave 120% every day at work, deserved nothing more than the work I put in. Nothing extra to impress the boss beyond what was required of me. It was sad really, I was upset at my boss for not wanting to assist me in this small task but also disappointed that she would allow my opinion of her to fall so low without caring about it.

I thought a lot of her because she was female, a physician and the primary wage earner in her house, despite the fact that her husband was also a physician - and actually saw patients regularly. I looked up to her because I thought she was funny, smart, mouthy(!), was successful and wasn’t a snob. Then she proved me wrong.

Stupid, I know. She was a Doctor, why on earth would she care what I thought of her? Exactly. I learned my lesson. My fate will not again lie in the hands of an employer to such a degree if I can help it.

Okay, let’s fast forward a year and a half. Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary at the law firm I work in. One year ago when I started I worked for the investigative agency, but in January was promoted to legal assistant. Still not sure I like it, but everyone there likes me and I usually like them back. Usually. I have my days though where I could leave there and never come back and it would not hurt my feelings at all. I’ve never had that strong of an emotion at any other place that I work.

But I’ve also never been on a cruise that my boss paid for as a Christmas bonus. He said two things as he told me what he was doing, “I hate giving you money for a Christmas bonus for two reasons - you’ll pay bills with it and won’t have any fun and the government will tax it.”

How nice. There are days that I could absolutely tell him to take this job and shove it because he makes me so mad. I’ve been talked to in ways I’ve never experienced but also been challenged in ways I’ve never experienced. I’ve learned things I’ve always wanted to know and that’s something no one can take away from me. Everything I’ve done before was pretty much by the book, text book boring type stuff. This job and all that it entails is very dramatic - so much so that I really never watch Law & Order or any of those super dramatic shows anymore just for the drama.

Everyone craves a little of it, even South Park has drama. Imagine that, a boss that played nice but didn’t come through for me in the end and a boss that is as hard assed as he wants to be that endows with appreciation in unexpected ways.

What a puzzle this life is.

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Have you ever met someone who you were put off by immediately because of they way they acted? Like they were better than their surroundings and thusly, better than you? Ever try to talk to someone who seemed to be in another place while you were trying to hold a conversation with them?

Normally we expect people to be warm and friendly and quick to smile when we engage them in conversation. But what about those times where you smile and start a conversation with someone who doesn’t seem interested, or worse, doesn’t respond at all? Do you give those people another chance after your first impression of them? Do you make sure to tell everyone you thought that person was a jerk or was rude?

Now, imagine having a 50 hour a week job managing three people who are underpaid and don’t want to work, add to that a husband and two children ages 8 and 5, add to that three best friends, a mother and two sisters who call intermittently expecting you to stop, drop and chat for at least an hour. Add to that laundry for four people, dishes for four people every night and dinner to cook for four people.

Then there’s the work you brought home because there would be no other time to do it. Overwhelmed yet? Throw in a car in the shop, so you’re carpooling with hubby, which means you both have to get up earlier and someone’s doing double driving duty to get the kids to daycare in the morning and the birthday party that still needs to be planned for next week.

Now are you overwhelmed? This is a typical workday for most people, female or male, we all have a hell of a load to carry on a normal basis, we are a very stressed out people. If you’re a person who has all these hats to wear everyday and manages it, and even has the audacity to manage it well, a little confidence and pride is in order.

Sometimes confidence can be mistaken for cockiness to others and give the impression that we are pompous or rude, or worse, better than everyone else. I’ve been guilty of putting off that vibe and I have a friend who is constantly getting a bad rep because of the way she comes off to people, but as my friend I know her better than that. I know that she’d give the shirt off her back if someone needed it. I know that last year when she saw a fire off a country road and no fire trucks she pulled right over and ran inside, without for a second thinking of herself. I know that she’s fought through trials and tribulations like none I’ve ever seen and that anyone who calls her cocky or pompous can’t possibly know anything about her.

I believe those of us that have confidence issues or inferiority issues, have a big problem with the confidence of others. Confident, successful people walk with their heads held high and their eyes on the future and the prize, and won’t let things get in the way of their goals, they feel they’ve paid their dues and they want to collect on their hard work. How dare they!

Some of us make judgments before we even talk to a person. There is one problem with this method; deciding what type of person someone may be before letting them affect that decision is shortsighted and will only serve to keep you from knowing some really fabulous people.

Have you been guilty of judging someone without truly knowing them? I know I have been, and I know I’ve also been mistaken for a cocky and pompous person and wanted another chance to show I am not at all that way..

Have you been accused of being cocky, rude or pompous? How did you react and did you do anything to change the persons’ mind?

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So we know birth control isn’t used as often as it should be, no question of that. Be that as it may, let’s talk about who’s responsibility it is in the first place.

I personally believe the responsibility lies with both people, if you’re old enough to have sex or you think you are, you should also be old enough to realize that the product of sex can be children. Ideally, both would be held responsible for the birth of a child after having sex wherein birth control fails, or worse, isn’t used at all.

But the question begs to be answered, who’s responsible ultimately for birth control?

Some would argue that the responsibility lies on the female because she bears the child and it is her body that will be changing if birth control fails or isn’t used.

Some would also argue that the responsibility lies on the male in the act because birth control is easier, cheaper and more convenient for him.

Where do you fall in this argument? Regardless of age, relationship or any other outlying factor.

This morning I was listening to a radio show, and a girl called and stated that her boyfriend had slipped her a morning after birth control pill (I wondered how in the hell that got by her) and she had found out while doing laundry by finding the package the pill came in, in his pants pocket.

She explained that she had been on a brand of pill and it was making her gain weight (which they all do) and so she went to the doctor and he made her wait 30 days before she could get another brand of birth control. She told her boyfriend that she was off birth control so if they had sex without her on the pill she could become pregnant. I believe it was left at that.

Let’s fast forward to her finding the package for the morning after pill in his pants. She confronted him and he noncommittally confessed. But that wasn’t enough for the DJ on the radio. So they call our guy and ask him why and was it for his girlfriend or some other girl she didn’t know about. He said yes, he did, he slipped it into her breakfast (WOW!) because he didn’t want any kids.

I’ll leave the rest out and pose the question to you, was he right/wrong? Was she right/wrong?

What do you think?

Popularity: 100% [?]

You ever have one of those days where stress just doesn’t touch you? I wish I had more like this. Don’t know why this day was a breeze as so many of them aren’t but today, well nothing got to me today….nada.

Oh boy is this a rare one. There are lots of things I could have gotten all twisted up about, but didn’t. I actually had a good day. So bizarre. So on with the point of today’s post…

I was listening to Warrant today. “Thin Disguise” and it got me thinking about the facade’s that we put up so that people don’t see us. I mean people see you, but they don’t see you as you would be around people you enjoy being around. So I thought while he sings, “…one of these days when I have the time I’ll show you what I’m like…on the insi-ide” I thought maybe I should share a few things about myself you guys don’t know.

I’m surprisingly domestic. I like to please the man of the house, my man. I like to let him make the decisions, if he’s so inclined, it’s less work for me really. And to a certain extent, I like being told what to do. I let him run the remote and he doesn’t normally get any complaints out of me. I get lost in my mind thinking about things, that’s enough to do without committing to some stupid TV show. I’ll complain if it’s the fifth time we’ve seen an episode of family guy in three weeks, I’ll usually say something like, “You know reruns are cool and all, but not so much when they only rerun five episodes”…he gets the hint and he’ll flip it. It’s rare that I’m actually watching it so I really don’t know how many times it’s been on. I try to make sure my man is happy with me, our relationship and all that. He calls me the CFO of the house, I think that’s cute.

I’m very nice, I have a calming demeanor for other people, I find people tend to tell me all kinds of things because I listen very well. I empathize very easily and really genuinely want people to have a good life, everyone. Even my enemies. But for those people, just please leave me out of it, lol.

I give and love to do it, I donate as often as I can to St. Jude, those poor babies shouldn’t suffer at all, ever. No child deserves to get any kind of illness that’s life threatening, it’s just not fair, so I’ll help any way that I can. I donate to Veterans too, but I do not subscribe to magazines when someone knocks on my door, and I can’t stand solicitors. If I want something, I’ll find it.

I turn to mush when I’m being yelled at. I do not know how to handle that kind of situation. I’ve been thinking lately I should find some book on tape about how to handle confrontation. I know what I want to say, but I feel like if I open my mouth I’ll cry like a fucking baby, and that frustrates me so I just take being yelled at with nothing to say, no rebuttals. That’s perhaps the thing that irritates me most about myself.

I have always felt like a failure even when I’m successful at something. It’s as if I just don’t believe I’ve done anything worthy of recognition, though when pointed out I take the credit no problem, I think my confidence still needs work.

MouthyGirl is a person that I’m creating to give me strength, to help me become something I never would’ve dreamed I could be, a successful leader that takes nothing from anyone.

But before I wrap this up, remember I said I’m surprisingly domestic? At the same time I realize there are things a man needs, that I try to provide. I think I’ve said before that I like to make sure he wants for nothing…so he went out tonight with a friend as thanks for helping us with our move. He comes home and tells me that they talked a bit about their women, how cute huh? Let’s just say, I’m getting props because I go above and beyond.

Popularity: 51% [?]

There are times I’m incredibly proud of it, the knowledge I’ve gained and the exposure to a whole new world. The times that something awesome has happened, or a great mystery solved. Then there are times when all at once I feel so small and criticized and ridiculed as if I were a small child in need of lecture because I am just so stupid.

I’ve walked into a place and taught myself how to do what’s expected of me. It’s been said at times that I’m the only one who knows what’s going on there, those comments make me beam with pride at my ability to assimilate myself in almost any situation. But in the moments of criticism, there is meanness and anger that should be directed at a different situation that is beyond me and my own control. We are all the proverbial “whipping boy” in the dungeon that is that place.

I am challenged in that place in ways that I greatly enjoy, but on the same token, I am insulted in ways that I’ve never dealt with before, and faulted for mistakes that are not my own.

I find myself out chasing pavement again, knocking on doors and handing out my resume like a newspaper, down on every quarter and advertising things that someone might need. Hate to think of leaving such an exciting place, but the price is too high, I won’t sacrifice my pride and self respect so someone else can feel powerful.

Popularity: 73% [?]