Impulsive

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I love wordplay, that means puns (most especially) and words that mean two things depending on context, and the occasional double entendre. One that I use frequently is “at the end of the day” it’s something I say when I want to express finality. Most often I’m using it when I’m putting things in perspective (or rationalizing bad behavior) for myself.

My self talk is a constant reasoning with my impulses. I wish I were kidding. My impulses get me in trouble and in my twenties, as opposed to my counterparts, I had my impulses pretty well reigned in and under control. Now however, having been single for the last several years, and finding myself in a place where I can treat myself (no one else will lol) I have, at times, gotten a little carried away….er, a lot.

“What’s $10 at the end of the day?” and I’ll go hit up happy hour after work..or buy a new top at my favorite discount store. I tell myself I deserve it, after SO many years of sacrifice and putting myself last, I can finally, without guilt, buy things and do things for myself I couldn’t justify before. It’s been pretty nice, I’m not going to lie.

Now – for some truth, at the end of the day, I wrote this post just so that I could use this photo…
#facetious #smartass

photo-1441154283565-f88df169765a_sunset reflection

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Asleep at the Wheel

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I get up in the morning sometimes, scowling at my clock, stretch a typical stretch that I seem to have made part of my wake up process, it’s just automatic. My routine is simple and boring, and usually hurried because me and the snooze button have a close relationship. I sit up for about ten minutes getting used to the idea of being awake and how much I look forward to filling my days with something else, something fun. The mind of a cranky 36 year old teenager, probably. Then I get out of bed, slide on my slippers and go in the kitchen and think about making coffee… looking at the clock to gauge how much time I’ll have to drink it. Then it’s shower time, after which I stand in my closet for ten minutes trying to make a decision.

Looking at the clock intermittently to determine my level of panic and frustration at myself for not being able to make a damn decision and do the damn thing. I’ll decide on something and finally get dressed, then add the accoutrement so many know me for…check out my Instagram you’ll see. By this time, I’ve ten minutes to get to work. Then it’s work for eight hours, squeeze in a lunch to break up the day, then out at five.

Five days a week I do this, and about 48 weeks a year. Occasionally I’ll have a morning of contemplation and have a moody day to follow because I’m disgusted I haven’t done more to alleviate the annoyance of working every day for a living. I feel that I spend much time going through the motions, doing the same thing every day, no one day more remarkable than another. It’s in these days I understand the genius behind vacations. It’s something to look forward to, or remember fondly in those moments where we gaze out the window, eyes glazed over. I long to forego alarm clocks and time clocks and paychecks that I am anxious to receive. It’s maddening as well as insulting, I should be better than this!

Here again I see my tiny home dream, the plan that I’ve been formulating for over a year, the desires to downsize and take control of my life and my future and make it more about adventure and travel and fun, and so many smiles that I get serious laugh lines. Yes, I actually WANT those lines on my face. It’s a friendly wrinkle and the feature it leaves on the face is one of happiness and I want that. In due time, I will have it.

In my near future, I will be asleep at the wheel of my RV, somewhere beautiful with history I’ll soak up and adore. Not a care in the world except to explore where I am, knowing that a decade prior, asleep at the wheel meant something entirely different to me.

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Held Back

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I’ve left no words unspoken
My once cold heart is open
Fully; and
Perhaps for the first time.
I have held you; and at once
Knew that I need you
I have loved you; and fell
I don’t just want you
I want you to come back; and
Never leave again
You took a part of me with you
I reach for you in my dreams
Look for you upon waking
Each of these days seem
Hard for the taking; and
I’ve risked it all
For you; and it’s the first time
I have not held back.

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To Be Free

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To Be Free

I like to think in all of us lies a wandering spirit. A part of us that wants to soar high above everything and everyone and observe the world as we know it, from far above where nothing and no one can touch us. My spirit has a wanderlust that wants to see things I will never see, I might be able to make the time and create the resources to see all that I want to now, but I know that the more I see, the more I will want to see of this world, the need will never be satiated. Through my own choices I have anchored myself to one place, one plane of existence where there are expectations, and people that need me. This can be a depressing knowledge if you let it.

One of my oldest friends went West, exploring, after we both graduated high school and when I was able to reconnect with her, she had landed out West for a spell – I remember being jealous of her freedom and her daring. What a wonderful thing to hit the road and just GO! My oldest cousin had a similar freedom during youth and wandered across the country, hitchhiking even! Every time I hear these stories of wandering to parts unknown with no resources, just going and letting life happen, I am awed.

It was this type of inspiration that led me to Colorado, the biggest question was, “Why not?” and I had no definitive answer, so we went! And it WAS freeing. To leave everyone behind, was an incredible feeling that I crave feeling again. You might be concerned I’ll become a risk taking junkie – but no. I have a deep sense of responsibility to life and know that I will never risk things that would endanger anyone other than me. When I look at the freedom of this flight pictured above, the beauty that surrounds and the intonation of peace…my mind wanders to lazy days and relaxing surroundings, that I will experience. The only question is WHEN?

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