I Think It’s Called Growing Up

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When I was young, and even throughout my twenties, I was not social beyond the minimum and a few very close friends. It took so much energy to know what to do, how to be, who to be, because I wasn’t happy with myself. Once I entered my thirties however, I started to be more at peace with life, myself and other people and that made it substantially easier to be in the presence of others despite my awkwardness. I think because I realized it was my thoughts of it that made it awkward and also that every other person I came into contact with has their own struggles, and quite possibly the same as mine!

That was an epiphany that changed my perspective drastically. I learned how to be around other people and was less dependent on what I did to control my behavior and more dependent on me just being comfortable with myself. I learned to trust myself and my thoughts, and that I was a good person, with input to share that I previously didn’t think would be acceptable. Looking back over all these years now, I feel that I wasted a lot of time, and missed out on a lot of potentially great friendships because I was so caught up in my own head.

The thirties for me have been a very freeing time, I settled into being myself a couple of years ago and through all of my life, that is the best thing I have ever experienced on a personal level. Being comfortable and forgiving of myself is liberating, it means I can make mistakes but it doesn’t change my sense of self or self worth. I finally am ok with admitting that I’m smart, and fun and that makes it much easier to be around people, and also to choose not to be around certain types of people.

Have you reached a moment of clarity in your life that has made it easier for you to co-exist with the rest of the world? Tell us about it!

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Impulsive

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I love wordplay, that means puns (most especially) and words that mean two things depending on context, and the occasional double entendre. One that I use frequently is “at the end of the day” it’s something I say when I want to express finality. Most often I’m using it when I’m putting things in perspective (or rationalizing bad behavior) for myself.

My self talk is a constant reasoning with my impulses. I wish I were kidding. My impulses get me in trouble and in my twenties, as opposed to my counterparts, I had my impulses pretty well reigned in and under control. Now however, having been single for the last several years, and finding myself in a place where I can treat myself (no one else will lol) I have, at times, gotten a little carried away….er, a lot.

“What’s $10 at the end of the day?” and I’ll go hit up happy hour after work..or buy a new top at my favorite discount store. I tell myself I deserve it, after SO many years of sacrifice and putting myself last, I can finally, without guilt, buy things and do things for myself I couldn’t justify before. It’s been pretty nice, I’m not going to lie.

Now – for some truth, at the end of the day, I wrote this post just so that I could use this photo…
#facetious #smartass

photo-1441154283565-f88df169765a_sunset reflection

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Mercy on my Heart

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I think we can all agree that drunk texting is an absolutely horrible idea, especially if it’s not to a current love/friend/person in our lives. Sometimes a person being in our past is enough to keep us from contacting them, especially when we’re mad. Those of us with willpower of course.

I’ll concede that most times, I resist the temptation, I haven’t always been so strong though. For instance, last night. Lawdy people, you’d think I was 14…in my mind I was all angst, but had a smile on my face and I was being social and all that jazz.

Against my better judgement, last night I did exactly that. To the most recent someone that put a scar on my heart. To my shock and surprise however, I got a response this morning. Which reminded me that I had done that last night, then deleted, I was sure there would be no response and I didn’t want to remember what I’d been thinking about last night..so yes, I deleted it before I fell into a drunken slumber.

But the answer. There was a tiny exchange and thank all that is good in this world, he had mercy on me. Boy do I ever feel foolish, but at the same time – after his disappearance from my world, any response was going to shake me. In the name of transparency, I’ll share the exchange.

Drunk MG: Much as I might hate it, I still miss you.

Disappeared Guy: Why

Mad at herself MG: In those moments, I still believe you meant everything you said.

Disappeared Guy: Good cuz I did.

Shocked MG: Thank you for that.

I leave you with a song.

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Like a Country Song

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I think of him more often than I like to admit, to anyone. That’s why I don’t tell anyone. I’ll wake up with him fresh in my mind and I’ll close my eyes again to look at him longer. In a short time and with a few words he had me spellbound. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing, he seemed like he did. When he smiled my heart melted and I wanted to touch him, hearing his voice when he sang to me was wonderful. Tickling my ears, soothing my mind and forcing a spontaneous smile.

I tried so hard not to take him seriously. It was too hard and I did, even though I really did know better. I know as it wound down that I would have ended it, there was too much about him that didn’t mesh with me, but oh the things that did. I suppose there are times when great things can only happen for a short time. I hope to find another that shares that spark with me. There was electricity between us and we both knew it. Now that I know how that feels, everything else will pale by comparison. I’ve deleted all but two of his photos from everything, and I can’t bear to get rid of those just yet, though I am only torturing myself when I come across them.

He looked like my favorite actor when he smiled his crooked smile but it worked on his face. I’m gonna put his memory down for a while, try to cover it up with whiskey as I do at times.

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