Have I Mentioned

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I hate dating? Now I understand Wierd Science…those boys knew what was up, ordering up the perfect person. It’s genius really, plug in some data, let the computer do it’s ‘putering and voila!  The perfect guy, just for me.

I have a lot of first dates, not a lot of second ones and rarely a third. I’m picky and I know what I want, so this is my reality. I’m fine as a single lady, going, doing, whatever I please, so really my life is missing nothing. Trust.

I met a guy recently, things are going well, I like him, he likes me, we’ve had several dates and even a movie night. Then his talk gets kinda serious and I start slowly inching back. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves right?  He sent me flowers, which is a super sweet gesture.. But my concern for the speed at which we were moving hit a fever pitch.

Can I just stop and mention, I don’t have personal deadlines for relationships.. I like those to be slow and easy, not rushed or point driven.. I just wanna have fun and go on dates and enjoy companionship without some subtext in there complicating things.

And, why the fuck am I the one that’s laid back about it? Like, hey mister, ease on back.. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.. I’m a commitment phobe…If it looks or feels like commitment, I’m outta there.

Then he asks to spend the day with me… I had plans, but I didn’t respond right away, I was busy. Then I get a text about an hour or so later, that he takes my silence as a no.

This is where you lose me buddy. My silence should not be interpreted. If I don’t say anything, don’t assume anything. That’s childish and stupid and I’m not into it. I don’t play games, nor will I be forced to because I like someone. Games kill it for me, every time, it’s a deal breaker. Not to mention, this ALL happened in a week.

There was one point where he said because there’s no commitment, my time is mine…which raised my eyebrow…it’s it just me or isn’t my time always mine? Even in a relationship, circumstances are rare that would allow or necessitate anyone deciding what happens for me…amirite? Like, maybe if I’m on life support…

There was a bit more after that, I’ll spare y’all the back and forth. I’m just saying, chill out guys. At my age (mid 30’s) there’s no rush to have a family or anything like that, that part of my life is done.

Ugh. Have I mentioned I hate dating?

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Like a Country Song

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I think of him more often than I like to admit, to anyone. That’s why I don’t tell anyone. I’ll wake up with him fresh in my mind and I’ll close my eyes again to look at him longer. In a short time and with a few words he had me spellbound. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing, he seemed like he did. When he smiled my heart melted and I wanted to touch him, hearing his voice when he sang to me was wonderful. Tickling my ears, soothing my mind and forcing a spontaneous smile.

I tried so hard not to take him seriously. It was too hard and I did, even though I really did know better. I know as it wound down that I would have ended it, there was too much about him that didn’t mesh with me, but oh the things that did. I suppose there are times when great things can only happen for a short time. I hope to find another that shares that spark with me. There was electricity between us and we both knew it. Now that I know how that feels, everything else will pale by comparison. I’ve deleted all but two of his photos from everything, and I can’t bear to get rid of those just yet, though I am only torturing myself when I come across them.

He looked like my favorite actor when he smiled his crooked smile but it worked on his face. I’m gonna put his memory down for a while, try to cover it up with whiskey as I do at times.

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Held Back

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I’ve left no words unspoken
My once cold heart is open
Fully; and
Perhaps for the first time.
I have held you; and at once
Knew that I need you
I have loved you; and fell
I don’t just want you
I want you to come back; and
Never leave again
You took a part of me with you
I reach for you in my dreams
Look for you upon waking
Each of these days seem
Hard for the taking; and
I’ve risked it all
For you; and it’s the first time
I have not held back.

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