I realize on cup of coffee number two that..for the last two years…I’ve kind of been in a state of flux. I think I’ve had a few short bursts of clarity but what is that? Times where the future seemed promising and full of wonderment. This should be an exhilarating time in my life and I find myself frequently lacking motivation.
Confused at times, unsure of my next step and worse! Second guessing myself. Could this be a rare burst of clarity? One of those that may soon be forgotten? I should hope not.
I think I’m going to have to re-learn how to be a student. Not just for school, but of life. I talk about going back to school a lot, and most recently figured out finally what direction I want to go with it..and it’s going to take a while. Add in my lack of motivation and bang..stuck. Further. I’ve been stuck in a reaction state since my grandmother passed and I think I’m finally seeing my way clear of that.
Wow 🙂 I feel lighter!
Do you ever have those moments in time where everything is just sort of surreal all at once? Like you look at what you’re doing right at that moment as if you’re watching someone else?
I went out late last night to get something at the grocery store and as I’m rolling with the windows down, I Wish You Were Here playing on the radio, it all seemed like part of a cheesy movie I would probably watch that would remind me of old things and feelings and be all about some regular girl leading a regular life… you know a cable movie.
Do you know what I mean? Its an introspective thing I guess and I’m never good at explaining this type of thing but I’ll try again. I was a little irritated when I left and as I’m prone to do in my internal dialogues I was running through my history and looking at how I’ve gotten where I am and that sort of thing. Thinking of a few things I should have finished that would have me in a better situation and things like that.
Then out of nowhere it hits me that dammit – I’m doing okay for myself. That’s when that surreal moment struck. Its not the first time I’ve experienced it and in my mind the memories that hit me all look like those movie scenes where all the edges are white and everyone sounds like they’re underwater and laughing…its weird.
Growing up I always saw my mom struggle and I thought she was smart so if she wasn’t making it how in the world was my dumb ass gonna make it? I always thought I would be screwed. But I’m not and I see her for what she was then and me for who I am and I really am doing okay for myself.
Intertwined with this movie moment and memories lie all the things that remind me of where I come from and that I really should be doing better. I have accepted mediocrity in situations where I should have demanded excellence, of myself. I have done that and I’m guilty of starting things that lead to success, but not finishing them.
I’m guilty of letting what I think of me infect what I can do for me. Isn’t it strange what we do to ourselves?
So I had a “movie moment” and I’m doing okay for myself…okay just isn’t enough. I still recognize that for me there is a lot of room for improvement. There is a large piece of the pie waiting for me somewhere and it holds beautiful places and things and a comfy retirement…sooner than later.
I’m off to get mine.