Never Failed

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There have been few constants in my life, most of the people I’ve come to know in my life, I have since lost contact with, by choice or by time.  Aside from my sisters, one of those people is my Grandmother.  She has been the matriarch of the family and led us all quietly and often without us realizing it.  We’ve all taken her for granted more often than we should have.

Recent complications with her health have forced us all to face the harsh reality that we will lose her, and this is a moment we have all dreaded.  I’m sure that you can relate, most of you have experienced the loss of a family member.  It seems particularly difficult for me, I’ve looked to my grandmother for guidance in many ways even she didn’t know.  She has served as my mentor with her wisdom and gift for explaining her views or opinions with clarity.  She’s always been an inspiration to me.

A few of us in the family were together last night when the seriousness of the situation was presented, and we are mostly scared.  The last year has not been fair, I lost my other grandmother last year and my only grandfather in July. Spent most of my sons birthday at a funeral.  I’m ready for a little less mortality in my face.

It is possible we could still have a long time with her, that’s certainly what I hope for.  I know this post is depressing, for that I apologize.  I’ll save the “…appreciate your family….” for another time.

Thanks for reading.  Live today.


Mortality and Facing It

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I was visiting with my Dad a few days ago when he announced that he has Early Onset Alzheimers and that he’s taking medication but that he feels it will end badly. I knew he had it, he just was finally diagnosed and accepting treatment for it. He had a stroke a year and a half ago and it’s been rough since then. It changed him, he’s working still and is amazed that he can and still does it well but when you’ve been doing something all your life, it’s second nature.

When I was younger my Dad always seemed immortal to me, I know I’m not the only one who thought that way about their Dad. He was my hero for a long time, the big guy that could fix any car, with so many people into cars, I tried to absorb as much knowledge about them as I could, sadly it didn’t stick.

I’ve taken for granted that my family is getting older, I am self involved and caught up in my own little world so much that I forget sometimes that my time here is short, I don’t have a lot to spare and definitely not any to waste.

I hurt inside that he’s so fearful of the outcome that faces him. I see the fear in his eyes, the terror at losing control, forgetting the things that he’s known and having watched my Grandmother’s memory fade until she didn’t even recognize him, I don’t blame him for being so terrified, I’m terrified.

Folks, it’s a real bitter pill for me to swallow, I love my Dad and I love my Mom and everyone in my family even though I’ve been a contentious bitch to them all at some time or for a period of time, I love them and want them to be here forever and no matter what I hope they all know that.

I don’t like seeing my Dad like that, especially since I’m not in a position to help financially if necessary – that freaks me out a lot.

Do you have severe illness in your family? How are you coping? Please discuss.


The Blockage

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Guys I have to apologize, I have really had a hard time this week. Not with life, haven’t been stressed or anything, just haven’t been able to write.

Believe me this is frustrating. I’ve opened my blogging platform everyday with the intention and have had a few starts but they quickly fell flat.

Some of you may argue that all my posts fall flat and to you I say good day.

But to the rest of you, I am sorry, the writer is having a blockage in the brain area. This weekend holds promise thoguh with a Christmas party that I have to attend with hubby tonight and tomorrow will be watching his Grandmother act in a Christmas play at her church…

The bright spot is the open bar tonight…I wonder how close I can get to the bar for our table….you know, less chance of showing how drunk I am. 😉


Family Secrets

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Some families share recipes that are secret to that family, some families share traditions…we (on my Dad’s side) don’t share any secrets in my family, we don’t even share our history.

Some of you know my Grandmother passed away Saturday, there’s a ton of secrecy surrounding her and our family history. Out of respect for my Dad, I don’t ask about the Grandfather that I found out recently passed away, mainly because the one thing I do know is that he beat my Dad. I don’t know anything beyond that.

I also have an aunt that I called and informed of my Grandmother (her mother) passing, having never met her. What I know about her is that she was apparently such Hell on wheels that she was disowned and no one interacts with her. That was an awkward conversation and very sad because I had no idea who she was and hated delivering this news that way.

She called me back today, she’s homebound and can’t really go anywhere and while I wish I could’ve talked longer, I was at work.

What I want to know is why not tell me and my sister about whatever went down, it couldn’t be worse than what we’ve heard other people have seen in their families.

My father is a proud man and has early onset Alzheimers, I will probably never ask and insult him in these tender times, it would be cruel but that doesn’t quiet my curiosity one bit.

What do you think about secrets? Seems stupid to me.