I feel too deeply. I’ll pretend..you’ll see the tough face and I’ll even laugh it off..but in those moments alone… I sometimes want to put on boxing gloves and fight my demons physically rather than think about it.. The guilt of bringing my son with me into a failed relationship..the memories and the knowledge that I should have ended that long before I did.

It’s hard to know my son has suffered at my hand..that my example has not been what it should and that his perception of how to treat women is skewed even in the slightest by my failure when I needed to be strong.

I sometimes stare at myself in the mirror because I’ve never met a more critical gaze than my own. If looks could kill.  I’ve been wrong more than I’ve been right…and I’ve had more failures than wins.

But I’m not quitting. There will come a day…and a man who gets me and between now and then I’ll look and someday I hope that my boy will appreciate my candor with him about my failures. If he can’t learn from my successes..there are plenty of failures he can set his path to miss…

There have been few constants in my life, most of the people I’ve come to know in my life, I have since lost contact with, by choice or by time.  Aside from my sisters, one of those people is my Grandmother.  She has been the matriarch of the family and led us all quietly and often without us realizing it.  We’ve all taken her for granted more often than we should have.

Recent complications with her health have forced us all to face the harsh reality that we will lose her, and this is a moment we have all dreaded.  I’m sure that you can relate, most of you have experienced the loss of a family member.  It seems particularly difficult for me, I’ve looked to my grandmother for guidance in many ways even she didn’t know.  She has served as my mentor with her wisdom and gift for explaining her views or opinions with clarity.  She’s always been an inspiration to me.

A few of us in the family were together last night when the seriousness of the situation was presented, and we are mostly scared.  The last year has not been fair, I lost my other grandmother last year and my only grandfather in July. Spent most of my sons birthday at a funeral.  I’m ready for a little less mortality in my face.

It is possible we could still have a long time with her, that’s certainly what I hope for.  I know this post is depressing, for that I apologize.  I’ll save the “…appreciate your family….” for another time.

Thanks for reading.  Live today.