…it handicaps me
stops me from trying new things
makes me think twice
with every move I make
I never doubted myself this way
never pushed past the doubt before
you learned you could do anything
now you’re jaded
I know I can do anything
my mind races like a child
thinking of all that I can do
I want to go there, do that
…but none of it was supposed to be without you
…now, I have this fear.
I feel too deeply. I’ll pretend..you’ll see the tough face and I’ll even laugh it off..but in those moments alone… I sometimes want to put on boxing gloves and fight my demons physically rather than think about it.. The guilt of bringing my son with me into a failed relationship..the memories and the knowledge that I should have ended that long before I did.
It’s hard to know my son has suffered at my hand..that my example has not been what it should and that his perception of how to treat women is skewed even in the slightest by my failure when I needed to be strong.
I sometimes stare at myself in the mirror because I’ve never met a more critical gaze than my own. If looks could kill. I’ve been wrong more than I’ve been right…and I’ve had more failures than wins.
But I’m not quitting. There will come a day…and a man who gets me and between now and then I’ll look and someday I hope that my boy will appreciate my candor with him about my failures. If he can’t learn from my successes..there are plenty of failures he can set his path to miss…
