Trickery

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It was a three month romance and there near the end, I became discontent with him, as his views were archaic and misogynistic. I couldn’t get past it and knew that I would end it soon. Rather than have that opportunity to deal with things as an adult, he disappeared from my life, as quickly as he came into it.

He left things that I gave away, all but one thing. That one thing I had buried in my closet for months, when it was still fresh. But I’ve realized now, it was the idea of what we could’ve been that made me an emotional basket case. I was no joke, a zombie for a week after I acknowledged that he wasn’t going to reappear. ME! I’m stronger than that, smarter than that, and it still knocked me right on my derriere. Fortunately there’s plenty of cushion to make my fall a little less painful.

A few days ago, I dug that one thing out of the closet. Now it is part of my every day, and I’m ok with that. It doesn’t upset me to see it, or send me into reminiscent tear-land. But I’m also realizing that I have to struggle to remember what I was so discontent about with him, I’ve already idealized his memory in my mind. The mind is a terrible thing to waste of course, but it’s also a terrible thing if gone unchecked.

I still miss him, the way he would speak to me, and sing to me. The way that he looked at me, no one has ever done that before him, nor since. But that little season he was in my life, taught me A LOT. The moral of the story is that our brain is subject to playing tricks on us, it’ll discard sad/bad things and keep only the good and then we wonder what happened, we reminisce and eventually miss that person, forgetting all about what may have happened before – this! Ladies and gents, is how we can so willingly turn our bodies around and go in reverse, back to someone/something. We simply forget the bad things.

Remind yourself of the bad things, don’t let your brain get away with making you suffer unnecessarily. Remind yourself what he/she did to piss you off, what was the most irritating thing about them? Remember these things and know peace from that sadness that creeps up when you miss someone. And DON’T YOU DARE SAY “I’d like to have that one back.” Life is NOT lived in reverse people.

Onward and upward we go!

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Eighty Eight

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Today my grandma would be 88. In a week, it will be the anniversary of her death. I struggled this morning with her memory, and tried to decide if it’s better to remember her today, and acknowledge that memory – even through the missing her feelings, the lump in my throat, or do I shove away the thoughts and push through the day as if it’s no special day. To save me the tears, and the missing her.

I decided finally that I’m not shoving her down, stifling her memory, I’m choked up because I love her. She deserves that from me, the acknowledgement that she’s still a really BIG force in my life. My eyes are wet as I write this and I’ve now shielded my face from anyone looking through these office doors so they don’t see my face as it inevitably turns red – and my eyes as they fill up.

She deserves every second I give her in my mind, and every word that I speak, write or consider in her honor. She was amazing, and audacious and I was lucky for every second that I had her in my world. Now I’m gonna swallow this lump in my throat and give her voice in my head a nod, because she would tell me to suck it up and that this is part of life lol.

I may not face it every single time her birthday comes around, but I know I’ll have it in the back of my mind, as I have so far. Kisses and love Grandma.

Heartache

Heartache

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Mortality and Facing It

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I was visiting with my Dad a few days ago when he announced that he has Early Onset Alzheimers and that he’s taking medication but that he feels it will end badly. I knew he had it, he just was finally diagnosed and accepting treatment for it. He had a stroke a year and a half ago and it’s been rough since then. It changed him, he’s working still and is amazed that he can and still does it well but when you’ve been doing something all your life, it’s second nature.

When I was younger my Dad always seemed immortal to me, I know I’m not the only one who thought that way about their Dad. He was my hero for a long time, the big guy that could fix any car, with so many people into cars, I tried to absorb as much knowledge about them as I could, sadly it didn’t stick.

I’ve taken for granted that my family is getting older, I am self involved and caught up in my own little world so much that I forget sometimes that my time here is short, I don’t have a lot to spare and definitely not any to waste.

I hurt inside that he’s so fearful of the outcome that faces him. I see the fear in his eyes, the terror at losing control, forgetting the things that he’s known and having watched my Grandmother’s memory fade until she didn’t even recognize him, I don’t blame him for being so terrified, I’m terrified.

Folks, it’s a real bitter pill for me to swallow, I love my Dad and I love my Mom and everyone in my family even though I’ve been a contentious bitch to them all at some time or for a period of time, I love them and want them to be here forever and no matter what I hope they all know that.

I don’t like seeing my Dad like that, especially since I’m not in a position to help financially if necessary – that freaks me out a lot.

Do you have severe illness in your family? How are you coping? Please discuss.

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Working Again

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I’ve only got a few minutes for you because I have to get ready to go to my new job! I’m very excited, I think this is going to be a fun job, with fun people. The various environments I’ve been in throughout my working career have made for some very interesting memories, to include the people I’ve worked with and interacted with. There’s nothing like real life to give you character. šŸ˜‰

Last night I spoke with my cousin Rebecca, whom I wrote about a little on Sunday, I told her I’d written about her and my uncle and that she should read it when she’s ready. She asked about the job, and last she knew I was working at home and very excited, we saw each other on my birthday. It’s funny how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Between you and me…I’m not sure working at home is for me.

I’m so much more social than I ever realized, I’d find myself craving interaction. I enjoyed being here when my son got home, that was a definite positive. I’ll be getting home later now, but it’s all good. I’m not upset about that, I’ve never worked 9 to 6 but it can’t be all that different than any other shift. Hopefully it’ll allow the worst of the traffic to die down both ways for me. Hopefully.

I can’t tell you much about my job, but what I can tell you is that I’ll do it well, once I know all of the aspects of my position. I’m to understand it’s a created position, so really that’s all the more reason for them to see that job as mine and no one else’s. That’s my mission anyways. Being unemployed incited feelings in me that I don’t care to revisit, however I look at it I feel I could have and should have avoided it still, but I do realize that maybe this had to happen to get me out of the job I was in.

I enjoyed most of the people that I worked with there, but I can honestly say I have never worked in a more hostile environment in my life, only one other time in my life can I compare that experience to, and I ran from that one too. I remember roughly a week before I found that “job” I had told a coworker that I was taking the first train out of there. That’s what I did, sadly that train derailed come payday, but lessons learned…water under the bridge…yada yada yada.

We’re on a new page, it’s a new day and you know what? I’m excited.

Have a good day everyone!

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