Never Failed

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There have been few constants in my life, most of the people I’ve come to know in my life, I have since lost contact with, by choice or by time.  Aside from my sisters, one of those people is my Grandmother.  She has been the matriarch of the family and led us all quietly and often without us realizing it.  We’ve all taken her for granted more often than we should have.

Recent complications with her health have forced us all to face the harsh reality that we will lose her, and this is a moment we have all dreaded.  I’m sure that you can relate, most of you have experienced the loss of a family member.  It seems particularly difficult for me, I’ve looked to my grandmother for guidance in many ways even she didn’t know.  She has served as my mentor with her wisdom and gift for explaining her views or opinions with clarity.  She’s always been an inspiration to me.

A few of us in the family were together last night when the seriousness of the situation was presented, and we are mostly scared.  The last year has not been fair, I lost my other grandmother last year and my only grandfather in July. Spent most of my sons birthday at a funeral.  I’m ready for a little less mortality in my face.

It is possible we could still have a long time with her, that’s certainly what I hope for.  I know this post is depressing, for that I apologize.  I’ll save the “…appreciate your family….” for another time.

Thanks for reading.  Live today.


Mortality and Facing It

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I was visiting with my Dad a few days ago when he announced that he has Early Onset Alzheimers and that he’s taking medication but that he feels it will end badly. I knew he had it, he just was finally diagnosed and accepting treatment for it. He had a stroke a year and a half ago and it’s been rough since then. It changed him, he’s working still and is amazed that he can and still does it well but when you’ve been doing something all your life, it’s second nature.

When I was younger my Dad always seemed immortal to me, I know I’m not the only one who thought that way about their Dad. He was my hero for a long time, the big guy that could fix any car, with so many people into cars, I tried to absorb as much knowledge about them as I could, sadly it didn’t stick.

I’ve taken for granted that my family is getting older, I am self involved and caught up in my own little world so much that I forget sometimes that my time here is short, I don’t have a lot to spare and definitely not any to waste.

I hurt inside that he’s so fearful of the outcome that faces him. I see the fear in his eyes, the terror at losing control, forgetting the things that he’s known and having watched my Grandmother’s memory fade until she didn’t even recognize him, I don’t blame him for being so terrified, I’m terrified.

Folks, it’s a real bitter pill for me to swallow, I love my Dad and I love my Mom and everyone in my family even though I’ve been a contentious bitch to them all at some time or for a period of time, I love them and want them to be here forever and no matter what I hope they all know that.

I don’t like seeing my Dad like that, especially since I’m not in a position to help financially if necessary – that freaks me out a lot.

Do you have severe illness in your family? How are you coping? Please discuss.


Be a Fighter

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Yesterday I received some scary news from a person close to me, my bff. I’ve loved my bff since the day I met her and have always felt protective of her and this new has come as a shocking reality to how cold life can be.

We’ve all heard stories of fighters, leaders of men and strong people who have gone through hell and made it back to a normal, seemingly normal life. My bff is a hero in her own right, a leader of men and a fierce opponent to all who cross her. From a very young age we shared a common bond, a tumultuous, often fearful life. We shared our grievances of life as young adults and despite a significant age difference, always maintained a like frame of mind, a mutual respect and love. We’ve held each other’s hands through hard times, uplifted each other and stayed as close as we can though our personal lives have their additions and distractions. There is no other person on the planet that is as close to my heart as she.

There’s been scary news before and my bff fought it like only the strongest among us can, with her chin up and her heart strong. We thought she may never have children after her daughter, but she now has a beautiful son as well. As I write this I weep for her, and admittedly I cried on the phone even though I was trying so hard to maintain my composure, to be there for her as she needed me to be. I am weak and cannot imagine how hard that call must have been for her, how she didn’t crumble into self pity as I might’ve is beyond me. She is as strong as the world could ever ask her to be.

Things like this defy logic to me, these problems come to those that least deserve it and I know that it could still be nothing, as I said to her yesterday. It could completely be an irrelevant issue when it’s tested and this could all be an exercise in recognizing our mortality. At least we can honestly say whatever it is has to have been caught somewhat early, as it’s only a piece upon an organ, but it’s a scary little fucking piece of the unknown.

I can only hope one day I can be a fighter like she is. My bff is incredibly important to me and all that know and love her, she is strong, independent, funny and beautiful. She shares a lot of qualities with you and me, she tries her best to make everyone happy and tries to save a little for herself too. To those of you that are religious please say a prayer for her, to those of you that are not, send a nice thought out into the universe for her please, anything can help in this time of the unknown.

To my bff, I love you and I am here for you in any way that you need me to be.