Recovery

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I’m sitting in the park, looking at the bare trees and the ground maintenance people mowing the grass. This is one of the bigger parks in the area and it is gorgeous to drive through.

I needed the serenity today. It seems no matter how I try to stay mindful of the little things to appreciate, I forget them in favor of bigger problems that surely need my brain power to be worrying over them. Right?

There aren’t a lot of things I want in this life, but the few that I do, I want badly. I want a big love, I want to travel, I want to grow old and see what becomes of my son. The rest of the things I desire are just window dressing.

Last year was an extremely disheartening year, and while we are nearly through the first quarter of the year, I’m still shaking the after effects. As I predicted, 2015 has already been much better, thankfully!

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When it Comes Home

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I don’t know if it’s Texas in August… if it’s August or if it’s just that time in my life. There are whispers among us when we’re in our 30’s. We don’t know if we’re young, old, youngish old, oldish young…or what the hell is up. This is when most of us are in the midst of child rearing and too busy to think hardly and we lose ourselves.

Howeva, WE do not have to walk around aimlessly for that north star. We can be our own. What we want does not have to be so very far from what we have, or can get – as long as we are realistic.  Keyword folks: REALISTIC. At 34, I have to face facts that I will probably not be the next Poet Laureate…and really, does anyone besides me know what that is?  Case? and point.  Nobel Peace Prize? Yeah….I’m not that nice anymore.

My, oh my, the rut I fell into. I should say I drove into it, because I was behind the wheel the whole time. Should have turned INTO the skid. After hydroplaning, hitting the guard rail and kicking my fenders, I’m back in action and the fog…it is a ‘clearin.  I mentioned in my previous post that I need to learn how to be a student. I never was a good one, really, ever. I learn by doing and that’s how I’ve gotten to this point in life, don’t allow me to delude myself into thinking this little section of the world is somehow special. So yes, I want to return to school…and I have a tentative schedule for my return in mind, but need to pen it onto the calendar and call it a plan..then start climbing the rungs to get there. Good news is that I’m already two rungs up.

Unemployment caused a few things to get stupid for me last year and I’m well on my way to recovery and I believe that fall of 2014 is the time of year I will be donning a backpack again and sticking my nose in educational books rather than entertaining ones. If they become one and the same – SCORE! But I doubt that’s going to happen.

Yep. For the next year, I will teach myself study habits, and how to be a student. I’ll start by practicing my eyerolls and gum popping. 😉

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Holding Pattern

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I realize on cup of coffee number two that..for the last two years…I’ve kind of been in a state of flux. I think I’ve had a few short bursts of clarity but what is that?  Times where the future seemed promising and full of wonderment. This should be an exhilarating time in my life and I find myself frequently lacking motivation.

Confused at times, unsure of my next step and worse! Second guessing myself. Could this be a rare burst of clarity?  One of those that may soon be forgotten?  I should hope not. 

I think I’m going to have to re-learn how to be a student. Not just for school, but of life. I talk about going back to school a lot, and most recently figured out finally what direction I want to go with it..and it’s going to take a while. Add in my lack of motivation and bang..stuck.  Further. I’ve been stuck in a reaction state since my grandmother passed and I think I’m finally seeing my way clear of that.

Wow 🙂  I feel lighter!

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