Dishonor and Expectations

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We all do it. We come to a place in life where we are self sufficient but still in a strange way dependant on other people.

We depend on others for love, companionship, support, friendship, etc. You begin to have expectations of the people around you and normally its an unspoken agreement to act honorably, with friends as well as family this is the expectation….honor.

It doesn’t seem to be too much to ask in my opinion but evidently it is asking a lot, proof is the divorce rate, the rate at which people stop talking to friends, the point where a family breaks..

Relationships break when someone doesn’t act honorably and if you have ever experienced it, its devastating. Its hard to do so but when you separate yourself from the situation and look at it by comparison to the rest of the worlds’ behavior, is it really that bad?

Is this the evolution of relationships? Mistrust and every man for himself? I question the formalities of the generations before us. In these times is it necessary to invest all of yourself in a relationship?


Never Meant to Be

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It has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion that I’m not very affectionate. It’s true, I’m not. The rerason, I believe is because I didn’t grow up arounf affectionate people, it wasn’t a behavior I learned. On the contrary in fact, aside from my sisters, hugging and all that jazz only happened on Holidays.

That’s just an explanation of why I believe this is the way I am, its not exactly the best way to be, mind you I hugged my son like crazy when he was little. I give him his space usually now.

The problem with that is this, people around me feel neglected and that I’m cold, it doesn’t help that I have a sharp tongue.

I know I’m not the only one like this, my family isn’t the only family that’s not what I call “touchy feely”. Has it affected your relationships? If so, what have you done to mend it?

I try to remind my family that I do love them and overall they know I care, I’m sure its the same with your family, tell me what steps you take and the little things you do to show your family you care.

“Cold” by Crossfade:


Remembering Lost Soldiers

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I had an uncle, my mom’s brother, who was a towering giant of a man. As a child when you were around him you felt incredibly safe and protected but at the same time, scared of him – you never want to anger a six plus foot tall man when you’re only three feet tall, lol.

I remember our families, my sisters and I and our cousin Rebecca spending a lot of time together when we were younger, before our families all settled in different areas and our lives became too busy for regular forays to visit family in other states.

We had a lot of fun, for a long time all of the kids in our family were girls until my cousin Wesley came along (named after my uncle). Regardless when we were younger we would all inevitably anger the big man, always far too late at night for us little girls to be awake and giggling, and we’d hear the giant bellow from the living room, “Girls, GO TO SLEEP!”. We would all gasp and close our eyes very tightly, laying as silently as we could in case he came to check.

And when he did, those footsteps through the house lasted an eternity! Rebecca always gave us away, she was defiant from the start, and that still hasn’t changed about her.

My uncle’s name was John, and he had a tour in Vietnam when he was young, lost a best friend there. In the late 90’s when I was still too wrapped up in my own teenaged life to notice, my uncle started battling the big C. Cancer.

I didn’t really become cognizant of the battles he was going through until my son and I got our own place and I became much more involved with my family. (my marriage had isolated me from them).

I remember one year when my uncle was having a particularly hard time, and this was after battling cancer off and on for probably ten years or so, and he had indicated to the family that he didn’t want to fight it anymore. I was devastated, my uncle had been a deacon in mine and my sister’s baptisms and we all felt a closeness to him, almost like a father to us. My mother and I arranged to visit for a weekend and did, staying in a motel room and visiting with my Grandfather while we were in Oklahoma, where my uncle had settled.

After we came back home, I wrote my uncle a letter, and though I don’t recall everything that I said, I remember recording raw emotion and desperation like I’ve never felt before, pouring out of me into that letter. I wanted him to continue to fight, a big man such as he, a vehicle of God like himself, surely could push on and beat this, just around the next corner.

He continued to fight after that, and I wrote a few more letters to him, but increasingly his health got worse, and for most of the last I’ll say two years of his life, he was in declining health and leaving home less often.

In the spring of 2006 we buried my Uncle. It was a very hard time for our family and we’ve all struggled since that time to remain close and in touch, sometimes when family suffers a loss like this it’s hard to get together without thinking of those we’ve lost. My grandmother, who is a confirmed saint, had to bury her oldest son – and her best friend. I have a huge frog in my throat as I write this, it was an incredibly painful time for all of us.

Days like tomorrow remind me of him, and the Agent Orange that he was exposed to in Vietnam that eventually took his life. When I look at my cousin Rebecca it pains me to think about her having to continue her life without him in it, they always shared a closeness and a bond that was palpable to the rest of the family. I envied her relationship at times, as I didn’t have that kind with my own father.

I think about all the fathers and sons at war for our country right now and worry for them, praying to an unknown god that they will return to their families and enjoy a long and plentiful life.

This post is in memory of my Uncle, John Tuck, who fought and died for his country. I miss my uncle.

Pictured below: John & Rebecca Tuck.



What Would You Do? Meme

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Today is all about wishful thinking. ๐Ÿ˜€

This is a short meme, but it’s fun. Come and dream for a while and escape what’s around you right now and forget your problems, even if only momentarily….let’s dream together today about things that we may never get to do, have or be….

What would you do with your time if you never had to work another day and your expenses all were covered?
I would blog still of course, and I’d start writing on again as well, since I’d have more time to research all my ideas. I’d travel in the summers and while away my days as a writer should…writing.


What would you study if you could go to college for free?
I have already investigated this since I’m looking to go back to school full time, I’ll be majoring in Communication Technology with a minor in Journalism. Got to hone these skills.

Where is the one place you have always wanted to go, but haven’t gotten to go yet?
I would like to go to Ireland most of all, in the 90’s Garth Brooks did a live concert there and I remember thinking the landscape was beautiful.

What is the one thing you’d like to accomplish more than anything in the world?
I’d like to know that I’m a good mom. Which I hope to know once my son is older by his relationship with me. But that is the one job I feel that is the most important for me to do right.

When I was younger I dreamed a lot of dreams, as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen the flaws in some of those dreams, but reminisced at my innocence in having them. I believe that dreaming is a large part of life, it helps with that little push everyday to get out of bed and try another day to get closer to one of them, even if not all of them.

The rules of this meme are to answer the questions and tag three other people to pass this meme on to. I am taging Rachel, Debo and DCR! Of course everyone knows when you tag DCR, be prepared for an onslaught.

๐Ÿ˜ˆ Bring it on!